Erik Ertel // Contributor
Ethan Woronko // Illustration
Olaf’s Frozen Adventure (2017)
Found as a playlist of videos on YouTube in double digit resolutions, this fun little short garnered a whopping 5.5/10 on IMDb. It’s one of many holiday specials that really capture the reason for the season by highlighting what we’re all thinking: “How much longer can they milk this franchise?” Filled with song and dance, it’s bound to get four-year-olds and thirty-four-year olds wearing Pete Wentz armbands in the holiday spirit.
As if that’s not exciting enough, it was also pulled from the pre-show line-up for Coco in Mexico and the United States because audiences got visibly annoyed by how long it was.
Rating – 240p
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1998)
It’s been on the DVD rack at your local Value Village since it came out, but don’t hesitate to bring it home tonight from The Pirate Bay because this late 90s flick doesn’t hold back. We’ve got the self serving but ‘loveable’ white boy protagonist who doesn’t understand other people’s feelings until the end of the movie. We also have the would-be girlfriend, if only the protagonist would understand that she has a life outside of his wacky schemes. We also have the dad, who promised the protagonist the keys to the Porsche if he can make it home for Christmas on time, so naturally it’s a mad dash across the country. I’ll Be Home For Christmas is the kind of movie that you watch as a kid and develop a crush on the cute lead, only to grow up and realize he was kind of a prick through the whole run time.
Rating – 1.5 supercars with N’s on the back
12 Dates of Christmas (2011)
Airing on ABC Family once between reruns of Hannah Montana, this Groundhog Day-esque rom-com is sure to knock your stockings off. Kate kicks off this straight to DVD adventure as a delusional NYC businesswoman still hung up on her ex. She gets set up on a blind date with the coach of a foster boys’ hockey team—the real pure and wholesome type, but of course she blows it. Kate’s in luck, because thanks to some wacky Christmas magic she gets to relive the same day 12 times.
Rating – 12, the age of the average viewer who enjoyed this
If you’ve ever wanted to see Bill Hader “go out for cigarettes” at the North Pole in yet another flick about women cleaning up after the absolute mess left by white dudes, then pull up a two seeder on Rarbg right now because this might take a while. Santa heir-apparent Nick dips from Santa duty to live off the grid in Arizona as a yoga instructor and the titular Noelle, his sister, takes over the family business as the first female Santa Claus. Yay feminism, or something.
Rating – 3/5
The Christmas Star (1986)
Shot in Vancouver with a film student budget, this holiday classic follows a capital C movie con man, convicted felon and Santa impersonator. Prison escapee Horace ‘McNickle’ finds himself in quite the McPickle somewhere between a West Van suburb and hallucinating a train ride where he has an existential crisis about dying alone while talking to his dead partner in crime. Even Wikipedia won’t acknowledge it was shot in this city.
Rating – 5 imaginary stars