Joss Arnott // Staff Writer
Thea Pham // Illustration

Local Capilano University (CapU) first-year general studies student Barry Rich reportedly just mansplained Plato’s Allegory of the Cave to his entire Philosophy 102 class over Zoom. Though unconfirmed, rumours seem to suggest that his analysis was completely incorrect. “I still don’t know what the Platonic ideal form is supposed to be, but it sure as shit doesn’t involve insufferable pricks,” said fellow classmate Olivia Kowalski. “I can only hope there’s an eternal perfect version of this class where Rich shuts the fuck up.”

The incident occurred sometime after the class’s first five-minute break and is said to have lasted for approximately 12 excruciating minutes. The instructor, Mr. Rider was apparently unable to intervene on account of him taking a nap during the class discussion. Mr. Rider later reported that his actions were in fact a demonstration of Descartes’ argument from dreams and not the result of a thoroughly hot boxed office as was previously believed. 

Fellow classmate Farnia Patel admitted that her computer was muted for the entirety of the classes discussion, “I just couldn’t keep listening to [Rich] say the word ‘dialectical’.” 

“Rich’s behaviour is a textbook example of someone who is extremely insecure in their intelligence,” remarked CapU trained psychologist Susan Melania who, without prompting, added that: “Rich is probably just compensating for something.” All 30 of the accused’s classmates have been offered free counselling to work through the incident, though it’s unclear if they’ll ever fully recover. It’s estimated that of the ten students who were actually paying attention to class when Rich began his tirade, three will suffer permanent trauma relating to the platonic forms. 

Rich commented to reporters that much like the titan of classic Western philosophy, his first girlfriend left him for Creative Writing student Alex Wagner. The alleged ‘dumping’ is rumored to have occurred sometime after Wagner wrote a poem for the accused’s former girlfriend. “All I need to know about The Republic is that the ideal city would ban poets,” Rich explained while choking back tears. The general studies student then launched into a poorly explained fifteen minute long explanation on Diogenes’s critique of Plato. He is quoted as comparing Wagner to a “bald ass chicken,” and badly misinterpreting Russell’s paradox. 

Kowalski added: “Who knows if there is an objective reality, at this point the only Platonic solid I care about is Rich just shutting the fuck up.”

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