Cyberpunk 2077 Release Gives Local Man Hope He Can Still Be Loved Despite Being Deeply Broken

Sarah Rose // Features Editor
Valeriya Kim // Illustration

Mike Jones, 29, is one of the millions of players eager to play the long-awaited Cyberpunk 2077 since it’s announcement at E3 in 2012. The dystopian game, which appreciated almost a decade of unparalleled hype, swept several prestigious Game of the Year awards leading up to a delayed and disastrous December 2020 launch. 

Jones, a Metro Vancouver native, with reportedly 400 hours of playtime logged in the controversial game told reporters he had never related to anything more personally and existentially than Cyberpunk 2077. “It’s the only thing I have ever seen as profoundly broken as I am that’s still loved by millions despite its flaws,” said Jones, holding back tears.

Jones shared how his girlfriend, Samantha, broke up with him seven years ago, after two dates. He says that he too was considered “broken” by many of his close friends on various pickup artist forums. After the launch of Cyberpunk 2077, however, Jones felt renewed inspiration. 

From being completely emotionally stunted, to a nostalgia machine for 30-year-old genre classics, to having a 4-terabyte hard drive of trans chaser porn involved somehow, “I just really related to that,” said Jones.

The game’s release inspired Jones to start a streaming channel under the username ‘Based_Kekistani_1488’ on popular platform Twitch to share his views. He’s hopeful that he, too, despite having a sudden inability to function if he sees a woman with a similar hair colour to Samantha walking within one hundred yards of him, can find a supportive fanbase that find his flaws quirky and appealing. Sources confirm that as of January, Jones had made friends with popular like-minded Twitch personalities such as JonTron and PewDiePie.

The following month after launching Cyberpunk 2077, developers watched billions casually shaved off their stock value. Similarly, Jones explained how he was “devastated” after learning through catfish accounts—used to monitor Samantha’s social media—that the 25-year-old appeared to be in a relationship with a new man named Dan. Described by Jones as “a blue-pilled soyboy beta cuck,” Dan allegedly has a full-time job and appears functional in public places without breaking down.

The 29-year-old looked weary from the dim lighting of his parent’s basement in Surrey as he pointed to a caption on one of Samantha’s Instagram posts. The caption details her appreciation for Dan listening to her concerns and making an effort to fix his problems. “See? It’s just like Doctor Jordan Peterson says, feminism is chaos.” 

“People assume that because I’m a licensed pickup artist, I don’t respect women, but it’s not true,” explains Jones. “Ready Player One taught me the perfect cyberpunk girl-next-door that caters to all my white male tokenistic fantasies is out there waiting for me, and she’ll love me despite my deep character flaws.”

Polish studio CD Projekt Red went on to confirm last month that any racist and transphobic content that players may find in Cyberpunk 2077 is just part of the plethora of countless bugs. Amongst other well-known glitches, such as non-functional graphics, objects exploding and defending police officers, Jones expressed his ongoing, steadfast solidarity with the studio. “I totally get it. It’s crazy, you spend so much time trying to make sure every little thing about your game works and you can still get ‘canceled’ by females for, like, a casual line about crime statistics that might just be a dog whistle for white supremacist talking points!”

Dan couldn’t be reached for comment.

Sarah Rose

Features, Humour, Literature Editor

As a chronic over-sharer, this feels unfair.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.