Sean Finan (any) // Crew Writer
Kyla Seguiban (she/her) // Illustrator
It’s no secret that the Capilano University administration snatches every penny they can from impressionable students — hungry for a “degree” that will be worthless once this broken world inevitably collapses in the next year. When we return to a hunter-gatherer society, your degree in Film Studies will be used as clothing, toilet paper, or kindling for the fire of a burning civilization that no longer exists.
In this era of uncertainty and pennilessness, there are ways that we, the student body, may be able to mitigate the effects of inflation and redistribute some of the wealth that we have lost, or never gained in the first place.
Without further ado, here are my 7 Awesome “Tips n’ Tricks” For Saving Money On Campus.
- Drop Out and Join the Trades
Step one to saving some serious coin on campus is to leave. You have wandered helplessly into a nest of scorpions and asked for tips to avoid stinging mutilation. If you really want to save money, you have come to the wrong place. Sprott Shaw awaits you my friend!
- Gaslight Your Bus Driver
Ever forget your compass card? Or realise the school only pays for the U-Pass during the school year? The trick is acting, my dear friend! When upon being greeted with the red alarm of insufficient funds, simply act confused and a little frustrated. Say something like “Aw, what? I swear I just put some money on here!” as you shake your head in disbelief. Try this one out on your local bus driver and you’re guaranteed to get either a sympathetic wave or disgusted apathy. Either way, you’re free to go homeboy. Let’s ride.
- Give Up on Hygiene
Fuck a toothbrush baby, let’s get primal. Our neanderthal ancestors and the soccer team save carts of coinage by using this one. Stop that showering nonsense and embrace your inner animal. Rawrr!!! One can find much liberation once one stops caring about adhering to the convoluted standards of others. Let your stink stink stank girl.
- “The Bear”
No silly, not the hit TV show starring goofy heart throb Jeremy Allen Whatever. I’m talking about the animal! If you have a large, bear-like friend this tip is perfect for you! Go down to your local Dog Groomer, collect as much fur as you can, cover your friend in glue, and roll them around in that fuzzy fluff until they are perfectly disguised! Once their costume is created, have them roam around the campus for a few hours, making sure the authorities are called. Once there’s a large enough crowd, unassumingly walk near “the bear” and tell your friend the secret code word “Yes Chef,” to signal him to pounce on you! Fall to the ground and make a huge scene, be sure to use some stolen ketchup packets from the Birch Cafeteria. Swear to the ambulance that arrives that you are actually fine and don’t in fact need to go to the hospital. Send selfies to the Capilano Administration of your “wounds” and look really sad and willing to sue. The insurance alone could pay for your tuition and maybe even Grad School.
- De-Value the School
Ever wonder why the school is so expensive? Inflation? No, not quite! I’ll give you a clue! It’s because it’s a great University! I suggest making posters and online advertisements using Artificial Intelligence that make this beautiful forest campus look like it’s covered in creepy cob-webs. Or changing its Google Maps location to Abbotsford!
- The Dangerfield Safe
Rumour has it that our very own President Paul Dangerfield keeps a large magenta safe hidden inside his home office. Now everyone knows Paul is a HUGE theatre buff. If you can get inside, recite 3 sonnets of varying languages and belt “Stars” from Les Miserables, Paul himself will actually emerge from a secret closet and give you the combination to his safe, which is thought to be the first 5 letters of each of his favourite Hamilton tunes!
- Plan ahead and apply for scholarships.
Applying for scholarships as a Canadian university student can be competitive but rewarding. Customise your essays and personal statements for each scholarship. Highlight relevant achievements, experiences, and goals that align with the scholarship’s criteria. Many scholarships look for leadership, volunteer work, or extracurricular activities. Make sure to highlight your involvement in your community, school, or any organisations. Rejections are common, but don’t get discouraged. Keep applying and refining your applications. Each submission is a learning experience that improves your chances next time!