Top 5 Government-Approved Gloryholes in Greater Vancouver

Pro State // Contributor

Many are on edge these days as we continually creep closer to a literal cyberpunk dystopia: a global pandemic, a civil uprising in the US, a bureaucratic surveillance state in Europe, Russia reviving neo-tzardom, China making 1984 look like a Doctor Seuss book, and Japan being Japan. In the lead up to the 2020 summer of love Provincial health officer Dr. Bonnie Henry advised against Tinder in the Time of COVID. Instead, provincial health officials suggested “barriers, like walls (e.g., glolyholes) that allow for sexual contact but prevent close face-to-face contact.” With campus still closed and cuffing season right around the corner, the Courier is taking a look at this glorious pandemic-approved solution to quench the proverbial thirst in this review of some of the hottest and most popular government-approved gloryhole locations in the Lower Mainland.

5. Funky Winker Beans

This place really brings the bells and whistles for everything but the gloryhole itself. The gloryhole is situated beneath the romantic blue glow of anti-vein blacklights in the women’s washroom. It has great acoustics, thanks to having no functional doors, which means you can practice your new throat techniques to the constant ambient background music of drunk guys butchering Tool. One major problem is meeting a Tinder hookup here who’s looking for a third carries a not insignificant chance of joining a Rush cover band.  4.5/10

4. Tacofino on Hastings

The tacos aren’t the only thing in this small eatery that will make you put your hands together in the prayer emoji. The atmosphere is noisy but the crowd is young and fun. Ask for consent before you bring any Tapatio into the mix! 5.5/10

3. Fortune Sound Club

Before dismissing the obnoxious attraction on the aptly named Queefer Street, this club deserves a chance. Sure, the crowd is mostly people who just turned 19 and people who wish they were still 19, but what better demographic to dive into for some no strings attached hookups? As if that’s not enough, wait until the drunk Surrey guys from Granville Street trickle over; you’ll be able to spot them instantly putting their hands on women’s lower backs without consent. For anyone looking for a night they’ll be glad they can’t remember, head on down to a show at Fortune for some local artist that doesn’t mind if their audience doesn’t know where they are. The gloryhole is located between the neon signs of weird Gen Z platitudes and the VIP lounge, unfortunately it’s much more difficult to locate your dignity after watching a 19 year old snort coke off a pair of New Balances. 7/10

2. The Eatery on W. Broadway

There’s a reason their unofficial slogan is: “Miso Horny!” This is a hot destination for anyone looking to get a hook up with some fresh phish around a lot of neon signs. Located close to UBC, The Eatery is a favourite for sushi among students and hipsters who like foreign food but aren’t willing to admit they’re appropriating culture. The gloryhole itself has the same vibe—a concerted attempt to be cool without trying to seem cool. The graffiti around it contains mildly edgy anti-establishment views and the people you meet there will unconvincingly tell you it’s okay if you “just want to talk, because everyone’s going through a hard time right now” in an effort to seem nice. 8/10

1. Sweet Cherebum on Commercial

If Sweet Cherebum can be described in one word, it’s “authentic.” A Commercial landmark, this is a great place for anyone searching for casual veggie eats, Indian groceries, or a spiritual gloryhole experience. Legend has it that one partner has to be an experienced yogi to partake, which is confirmed when you see that the gloryhole is located 8 inches from the ground. There’s a certain yoga pose that facilitates the hook up, which makes a visit good for the mind, body, and soul. 9/10

Honorable Mention: The elevator in the Fir building

Much like the more popular Grouse Grind, the Cap grind is reserved for those with ripped quads, masochists and math professors, which aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Next time you’re making the trip to the fifth floor of Fir, get ready for yet another surprise closure! The elevator in Fir is a quaint time capsule that hasn’t changed at all since the last Bush presidency. Don’t worry about privacy or timing—this elevator is literally the slowest I have ever been in. No one will bother you since it takes roughly the same amount of time to get a bachelor’s degree as it does to go up three floors. When you’re done going down, why not grab a shitty coffee from the second floor Tim Hortons outside to rehydrate. You’ve earned it. 10/10

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