As the leaves turn to yellow and orange, there’s only one thing on my mind: Nuts
Written by Ren Zhang (they/them) // Contributor
Visuals by Caroline Zhang (any/all)// Contributing Visuals
Nutting. Everything to do with nuts. Peeling the fresh fruit from a walnut and exposing its not-so-tender inside, like a metaphor for my heart. Having a staring contest with a buckeye. Squealing over the cuteness of an acorn. Lovingly staring at a pair of chestnuts illuminated by light proliferating through the leaves. If you cannut get enough of nuts like I do, you might know where to find some of these nuts in your neighbourhood. But if you’re also nuts like me, you’ll know that these local nuts are not enough for you. You’ll want to indulge in nuts such as the coco, macadamia and pea varieties.
With U.S. tariffs on the horizon—namely, items 0809.10.99, 80085.69.67, 0809.29.29, among others—nut enthusiasts in so-called Canada, aka Nutville, are panicking. Who knew that “No Nut November” would actually become a thing?
In these terrible times, I believe we need to bring an air of grace and gratitude, much like the humble nut that takes patient soaking and roasting to reach perfection. So this month I am bringing to you my top seven nuts and nutting locations. Please accept my nutelage (Number two will shock you!).
7. Truck Nuts
A rare find that only becomes more common as you move down further south, truck nuts (or Truck Nutz) are found in pairs. Due to Idaho’s recent House Bill 270, public truck nut growing became a misdemeanor, making these an even rarer find in that region. The taste leaves something to be desired, but we all have a good laugh when we see them and I think that counts for something.
6. Almonds
Almonds, which come from a tree in the same subgenus as the peach tree, deliver a lovely, subtle and slightly sweet nut flavor. It makes a fine milk, extract, croissant and gives marzipan its flavour. Originally thriving in the Mediterranean, 80 per cent of the world’s almond production is in California. Despite its colloquial regard as a nut, it is actually not a true nut due to its outer fruit having a hull instead of a traditional fruit. It is referred to as a drupe. Take that to your next trivia night!
5. Brazil Nuts
Straight from the scenes of the 2014 movie, “Rio 2,” this nut has always captured my imagination. Did you know the tree can have a lifespan of 1000 years? Nuts, right? These nuts are huge, too. Some of the biggest nuts I’ve seen, growing up to 2 kg in size. You wouldn’t want to keep this nut on a high shelf, lest you accidently blow it off.
3. Hazelnuts
No one can forget the first taste of Nutella. That sh*t is like ambrosia, for real. I just can’t get the taste of those nuts out of my mouth. Delicious.
4. Coconuts
Have you seen the uses of this plant? It’s the cocofruit of the coco tree, of the cocopalm family. The trunk? Build a bigger house for the family. Leaves? Roof. Firewood. You can even get the fruits free!
1. Breadnuts
Nuts? I like nuts! Breadnuts too! Breadnuts drive me NUTS. Nuts? Breadnuts aren’t even nuts! And neither are coconuts! Who comes up with these names? It’s driving me–
Editor’s note:
Hello, I apologize, this is Ren, one of the editors of this piece. I am disappointed to say this, but the original writer wasn’t able to finish due to the effects of No Nut November. Unfortunately, due to them being a nut, they seem to have evaporated as per the name. They simply couldn’t swallow the truth. Stay safe out there.