A three-step guide to surviving man-made hell
Alex K. Broznitsky (he/they) // Contributing Writer
Alex Baidanuta (she/her) // Crew Illustrator
So, you’re ready to begin a new chapter of your life by attending the most prestigious one of the most prestigious widely praised well known university named after Chief Joe Capilano—located on Vancouver’s beautiful North Shore—and are looking for a place to live out the coming happy years.
If you’re looking for the lap of luxury, a residence built to the highest standards with all the amenities a modern society could offer, don’t look to Capilano University’s older residence. But, if you’re looking to rough it up and experience the rustic life the colloquial “settlers of old” lived (minus all the. . . you know), look no further than 2420 Dollarton Highway! To all the new pupils looking to shack up in CapU’s most robust student housing, here’s three tips that will help you survive and thrive.
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Explore the Great Outdoors from the comfort of your own home!
Ever wanted to see the bountiful nature of this beautiful province without having to leave your dorm hall? At CapU’s old residence this dream is now a possibility. Observe mold as it creeps up the corners of your room or journey to the showers to witness hitherto unseen fungi. Here, nature comes to you!
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If the food is bad, why don’t you cook it??
At the dining hall, only the finest meals are prepared with the best ingredients. Here industry defining culinary experimentation is done to see how minimalistic cooking time and spices can ensure your food arrives in—at least—a safe-to-eat condition. Enjoy dinner time mysteries with the age old game “what did I just bite down on?” and marvel at just how many colours the chicken can be.
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A community built on architecture that was outdated 20 years ago.
Searching for more human connections? The ingenious design of the dorm halls of 2420 Dollarton allow for you to hear everything going on in your neighbour’s room. Thanks to the paper thin walls. Once you’ve made new friends, enjoy quality time together in the common rooms. The balconies may be blocked off (for your safety, of course), and the chairs and couches might smell of mildew, but what these rooms lack in modern amenities, they make up for in pure charm. Venture over to Cypress Hall for a beautiful view of the forest or take a trip to the sprawling Grouse Hall where all the parties take place. Don’t go to Seymour.
There you have it. Our best survival advice for making it through your time at the old residences. When you eventually leave, you’ll be left with lifelong memories and maybe even a lingering cough.