CapU’s Squamish campus is seeing record numbers with its new experimental approach to teaching.
Haleluya Hailu (she/her) // Contributor
Andrei Gueco (he/him) // Illustrator
Nestled in the mountains of B.C., Capilano University’s Squamish campus has risen from the ashes of the bankrupt Quest University. It is a hub for a new experimental approach to higher education that is helping Capilano dig its way out of their constantly growing budget deficit. CapU—without giving it much thought—listened to what Squamish residents wanted out of higher education: small class sizes, innovative education and opportunities for student populations to experiment with psychedelics to ‘find oneself.’ The driving force in this discussion? A google form with 25 responses. CapU made the decision to spend at least $115 million acquiring a whole university campus and three buildings to change the trajectory of B.C. post-secondary forever.
The sparsely inhabited on-campus residence buildings now house a grow-op that is run by students to fulfill a new mandatory cap core requirement. Run by environmental science students and psychology students in tandem, they study cannabis growth and the effects of consistent usage by students, inspired by a small independent study (See: Stanford Prison Experiment.) The 10 students who formerly inhabited the building are now observed while under lock and key by second year psychology students. Filled with an array of gummies and interpreting ink blots, cutting edge research takes place and lives here!
Students from CapU’s tourism program have been gaining hands-on work experience by hosting ayahuasca retreats for tourists from the U.S. (potential students) exclusively. This helped fill the gap in international enrollment for all campuses! Working hand in hand with the Trip Guidance Diploma® (F.K.A. as Music Therapy), CapU has removed this program from the far less profitable and fun North Vancouver campus. By targeting an American tourist population, it is ensured that the rudest and least respectful population of travelers will talk loudly in public spaces about their experiences, thus saving thousands in advertising. The only remnants from the music programs are the bongos loudly played in the middle of the night while travelers reconnect with the spiritual world.
To compensate students who expected North Vancouver’s campus residence to be finished this year, CapU will be offering the opportunity to live on campus in Squamish at a discounted rate: $1,300 a month with no included utilities. In exchange for participating in student-led studies and commune-esque labour, you will live surrounded by wildlife, nature and a picturesque view.
The cafeteria is filled with various cultural delicacies for your eyes and mouth to feed on! All meals are made mostly in house with Fresh(ish)© ingredients by Chartwells. All food outlets will close early and open late to allow staff to experience wonder and whimsy (these concepts will also be core learning competencies that must be included in all course work). All of the finest cuisine is served daily: Doritos, unlabelled weed brownies and vaguely warm sushi you take a gamble with. In spite of several instances of food poisoning by this food contractor due to the amount of day dreaming we encourage at CapU Squamish, we will not even think of switching to a different food vendor. This is the cheapest option! And, if it’s good enough for prisons and care homes, then it’s good enough for us.
As we enter uncertain times in the face of growing tensions internationally and a rising cost of living, CapU is hard at work changing lives one student at a time. We will pour every dollar we can to help you find the real you. When you finally settle into our programs on the Sea to the Sky you’ll feel it. When the joint smolders in between your fingers in our stunning residence buildings; the sounds of loud bongos and spiritual guidance lull you to sleep, you’ll feel it.