A warning to all that hold power, Big Raisin wants to take you down from the inside.
Jordan Tomlinson (he/him) // Humour Editor
It began with a snack. My favorite snack of over 25 years: a miniature box of Raisin’s Raised Boxed Raisins.
I noticed it, but thought nothing of it. Just a change in behaviour. An increase in sweating, itchiness and yelling also. Those types of things happen with age. What’s the harm? It wasn’t until my wife packed up her things and told me she was staying at her sister’s so I could have some time to ‘figure out whether I want to be a part of this family or not’ that I began to suspect something was off. Why would she want to stay with her sister when she lives here? Concerned, I asked the kids. They both responded with something I didn’t listen to, because why would I? I was just too sweaty, itchy and yelling to understand. Clearly, this was affecting me but I had a feeling it was beginning to affect others.
This suspicion was raised once again the next day when my boss pulled me aside to inform me that I was to be ‘let go’ due to ‘incompetence’ and ‘consistent harassment of coworkers.’ I could see in his eyes that he was dancing around his real problem with me: my sweating, itchiness and yelling. My ears filled with a ring, tuning out his vague excuses about ‘previous warnings’ and a ‘three strike policy,’ contemplating why everyone could be turning on me. First, my wife and kids, now this? Has the whole world gone bananas? All because of my sweat, itch and yelling? But, wait. Why have I been sweating, itching and yelling in the first place? Was it not just a symptom of life? People couldn’t possibly be turning on me for something I can’t control? Maybe something else wants to control me?
With everything in my life dissolving without explanation, I turn to my only true comfort: A box of Raisin’s Raised Boxed Raisins.
While driving home from my former place of employment, I reach in the glove-box for a stash of my favorite treat. As I open the box, I notice the ingredients list. Interesting, as I thought they were simply raisins, boxed, of course. I took a long, hard look at this small-print list while changing lanes. Everything looked as it should. Sugar, raisins, box, but something stood out.
CRAN 4.
It was as though everyone around me was cheering me on, ‘You solved it!’ ‘Jackass, now you’ve done it!’ I knew I had something big. I entered my home in a flash and began research that would span vast amounts of minutes, roughly 40.
Why would they want me to be sweaty, itchy and yelling? It’s because they know I know that they know about me. And, they don’t want to know what I could do if I tried to get them. If I tried to take them down. They want to keep me pinned to the ground by my own sweat, itch and yell. They knew that through my admin position at a local level packaging manufacturing plant, I’d have the power to destroy everything those bigwigs over at the Raisin factory had built.
Well, this is it. I’ve been Raised Raisins free for two weeks and my brain has never been less yelling, I just know it.
This is a warning to all. Don’t let CRAN 4 ruin your life like it did mine. Don’t become a victim to Big Raisin.