Through a series of games and challenges, the fight to find CapU’s new president continues.
Ren Zhang (they/them) // Contributor
Alex Baidanuta (she/her) // Illustrator
In a recent update regarding the search for Capilano University’s new president, sources say that the process is ongoing (much to the admin’s chagrin). While most students are unaware of the presidential decision—worrying more about getting to the cafeteria before 1 p.m. when the food runs out—CapU’s presidential search committee continues to wrack their brains about which white person will be able to shoot down student concerns the fastest.
Other reports mention that there have been a series of adults in suits participating in impromptu competitions around campus, but it is unclear what this is for. Games like pin the tail on the donkey, ‘Camouflage’ and speed knitting have been among these events. Neil Down, a seventh-year MOPA student, thinks it is related to the presidential search.
“My whole class has been talking about it, and my professors agree. It’s weird. I saw them playing beer pong yesterday,” Down comments, “I thought drinking on campus wasn’t allowed. And, why are they all old?”
Another student, Anita Sigg, agrees. Sigg says they witnessed a woman in a one-piece purple suit having a meltdown in the courtyard at around 5 p.m., allegedly swearing and yelling, “There’s no way I’m [expletive] losing this position to [expletive] ‘Connect Four!’” while a nearby man with a clipboard shook his head. The woman subsequently lost at rock paper scissors, spouting accusations of cheating while spitting at the other competitors before being led away, but not before wailing that they should hire her because “she hated Palestine more than anyone.” Sigg asserts that they didn’t see the woman on campus again after the spectacle.
Other students and faculty that responded to a Courier email inquiry about the subject provided suggestions about what the competitions should entail, with answers flooding the office. One musical theatre faculty member said that they would like each person in the running to perform a biographical one-man show in the Blueshore Theatre and have students vote on their favourite.
“I don’t want anyone who hasn’t cleaned at least 67 separate toilets to become CapU’s president,” another email reads, “How can you trust someone who hasn’t cleaned up actual shit?” One disgruntled staff member expressed concerns that presidents in the past were chosen because they had a “main character name type beat,” presumably referring to the now-retired President Paul Dangerfield.
One email included a PowerPoint presentation detailing a plan for CapU to film a gameshow similar to the Youtube channel Jubilee’s popular series, “Odd One Out,” where CapU students would be blindfolded along with a potential president and made to figure out who didn’t belong. Their reasoning was that the president should be someone who can relate to the average student, which was described as someone who has eaten the crumbs of ramen at the end of the bag, taken extra ketchup packets to keep at home, wished that a car would hit them so they wouldn’t have to go to class, etc.
As flurries of opinions rage on and sweat stains grow on the polyester suits infesting campus, it’s anybody’s guess who will cross the finish line.
Find future updates on the presidential candidate race at capilanocourier.com.