Three new fast food life hacks that the big fast food companies don’t want you to know about. Shhhhh…
Ben Taylor (he/him) // Crew Writer
Rachel Lu (she/her) // Illustrator
Over the course of my 21 years as a creative yet consistently broke individual, I’ve surrendered many of my hard-earned dollars to fast food establishments. I feel that it is my duty to offer a Fresh-slice of wisdom on how to get the best bang for your buck while eating like a Burger King. Arby’s. Here are some fast food life hacks that will blow your mind and impress your friends.
Let’s start off with the Golden Arches themselves: McDonald’s. Many of you budget McDonald’s experts may already know that McNuggets are the biggest waste of your money on the menu. Consider how time-consuming it is to eat six separate nuggets. Ain’t this supposed to be fast food? Now, imagine a world where you could order one big nugget. This is the world I live in. And now, you can, too. First, order a junior chicken. Second, repeat after me, “Hey, you, shopkeep! Hold everything but the chicken.” What you’re left with is the holy grail of chicken nuggets. Fill a water cup with your favourite dipping sauce, and enjoy!
Next, we’re breaking the system of the biggest fast food chain on the planet, that’s right: Subway. As a fast food eater, I’m willing to bet your fridge is as bare and fruitless as the desert in Rango (dir. Gore Verbinski, 2011). This hack will save you money on groceries and get you eating healthy all at the expense of none other than Big Sandwich. What you’re gonna do is order a footlong sub (bread type is dealer’s choice) and skip the meat and cheese. When it comes time to get your veggies, refer to your grocery list. Need lettuce? Tell them to pile it on. Tomatoes? I’ll have extra. Olives? No. That’s gross. Rinse and repeat with any further produce you require (multiple subs—and possibly locations—may be necessary). Bring these puppies home and stock up that empty vegetable drawer. Who said fast food couldn’t be healthy? This is just what the doctor ordered.
This last hack is designed to solve an extremely relatable phenomena known to occur in Tim Horton’s. You enter Timmies, but all you’re craving is a burger. Follow these instructions closely, and you can scratch that burgery itch in Canada’s pride and joy. Step one, order the limited offer Supreme Stack with no steak, so that what you’re left with is a nice saucy brioche bun with crispy bacon. Some of you may ask, why not just eat the steak? Why would you ask that? That hurts my feelings. Step two, order beef chili and strain out the liquid with the lid of the cup (that’s some real ground beef). Now press the remaining beef down into the bottom of the cup so it forms a patty, then flip upside down onto your bun. Step three is the toppings, so you can order a grilled cheese if that suits your palette, or get the lettuce from a BLT. Vegetables can also now be gathered from your fridge at home due to the previous hack. Step four, enjoy, and relish in the fact that you are now a master of hacking fast food menus.
You’re welcome.