Whether you’re looking to rent, lease or buy, the market flourished into a thriving enterprise (for landlords) in recent years, due to a near-total lack of market regulation from the government.
Yasmine Modaresi (she/her) // News Editor
Cameron Skorulski (he/him) // Illustrator
As I’m sure everyone and their mother is aware, 2025 is the year for the housing market. The best part? Tenants are just dying to live in Vancouver!
As some people like to say, there are two types of freedom: freedom to and freedom from. Freedom from is a coward’s concept, suggesting that with ample government oversight, we can have basic human rights like affordable housing and health care. Basically, the freedom to live without having to worry about homelessness, starvation and all that dramatic stuff. Obviously, this so-called ‘freedom from’ is Stalinism. Who the heck wants to limit free trade?
Not Canadian realtors, that’s for sure. That’s why, in the glorious 2025 housing market, we have free reign to do whatever the heck we want to exploit legal loopholes and maximize individual profit while minimizing public utility! If you’re sick of making bank within the confines of laws and find yourself interested in learning some ethically ambiguous and moderately legal methods to profit on the Canadian housing market, then read on, my ambitious little investor.
“Renovictions” as an art form: this is a personal favourite of many successful realtors across the nation, especially in densely populated metropolitan areas like Vancouver. The first step is to find an old property, preferably with a pre-established renter base. Once your purchase is made, file a claim stating that your purchase is absolute trash. But—and the but is very important—it has earning potential.
All that’s needed to ensure profitability is a couple hundred thousand to a couple million bucks worth of your trust fund—I mean, uh, hard-earned cash—to renovate the entire property. To ensure a timely delivery of your project vision and keep your construction company efficient, you’ll need to evict all of your tenants first, after which you can slap some cheap paint over unsanded walls, and relist the apartments for rent at triple the price, or even five times the price. The sky’s the limit here!
Short term rentals are your bestie: the problem with long-term tenants is that they have rights, and that’s too complicated to deal with when your main priority is profit. Long-term tenants expect (or rather demand) ridiculous and unfounded perks like rent control or habitable conditions. This requires regular investment in renovations, and foregoing any chance at hiking rent. How are you supposed to indefinitely increase your earnings if you’re busy being mommy for some schmucks demanding livable conditions and lounging around like royalty? You’re tryna make a living, after all! The solution? List your properties on Airbnb and pretend it’s “only for the summer” while the cash piles up year-round.
Rebrand necessities as charged luxuries: Look, we know that tenants already pay for conveniences like hot water, but we don’t need to tell them that. Credit card or PayPal-operated hot water services are an excellent way to redirect electric payments from corporations such as BC Hydro and redistribute the wealth to humble business owners such as yourself. Going further, who said that clean air and ventilation should be guaranteed in your rental contract? Ensure that each apartment’s ventilation systems completely malfunction unless bi-daily payments are made via direct deposit.
Leases are for leninist degenerates: housing security through legal documentation is for the weak. As a landlord, your goal is to maximize profit as much as possible and as frequently as possible. Hail to our deity: the dollar! Humanity takes the back seat at this point. It might be most convenient to abandon your humanity, your empathy and your ethics entirely and shorten your eviction notices as much as possible while simultaneously jacking up the rent every month.
Finally, my dear entrepreneurs, I leave you with some fruit for thought. With just a tad of ingenuity and repressed concern for morality, you are left with an incredible opportunity to thrive in the housing market. Humanity is for suckers, be rich instead.