The Capilano Students’ Union has found an ingenious way to combat the rising tuition fees for international students.
Ariana Zumara Castillo (she/her) // Contributor
Caroline Zhang (any) // Illustrator
What’s better than being a well-fed student with a well-fed wallet? A well-fed student with a well-fed wallet who is finally free from the trenches of dating apps! Kill two birds with one stone, and take a look at the newest campaign the Capilano Students’ Union (CSU) has prepared just for you: Marry an international student.
Did you know international students can pay four times as much as what domestic students pay in tuition with limited scholarships available for foreign nationals at Capilano University? The latest CSU survey discovered that, despite in theory having a bigger budget, the rate of fridge emptiness for international students is equal to the one of domestic students (345cm3 of nothing).
Deeply researched statistics have revealed international students are relying on movie nights at CapU for access to free popcorn for dinner. A total of 23 mid-term exams have been recorded to be suspended last month due to students’ loud stomach grumbles being a constant interruption. Our team knew this had to stop. Extensive research concluded that the key to paying like a local is to become a local, and in order to transform international students into locals, the CSU has come up with a plan of action.
The CSU has found the end to this issue and has opened a rapidly growing database of very eager and sexy international bachelors and bachelorettes looking for a pathway to Canadian permanent residency, and therefore, a Canadian spouse. As an incentive for domestic students to participate, our candidates are all offering to pay every cent of their future spouse’s tuition in exchange.
Instead of paying for the equivalent of four tuitions, international students would just have to pay for two of them, which according to the CSU’s calculations, is completely reasonable. The university has approved the budget plan for this project and organized services to facilitate your journey with your new business partner/forever lover. Speed Dating sessions will be held at the CSU Lounge (LB195) every Friday at 1 p.m. and the RSVP link can be found on the latest post of the CSU’s official Instagram account. Participants are encouraged to wear their most flattering outfits and resumes (Proof of Funds is an asset for international candidates). Once a partner has been selected, the wedding planning service can be accessed through drop-in Zoom sessions, which can be accessed on the link at CapU’s webpage on the CSU’s section. A pre-prepared list of allergies, song choices, number of guests, color palette, budget and level of dance abilities may help speed up the process. Included for free upon graduation is access to a professional divorce attorney, just in case.
The CSU supports you in your search for financial aid. Contact information is available on the CSU website or you can visit the CSU office at MA121 with any further questions.
*The author of this article is currently accepting marriage applications from domestic students. Please contact editor@capilanocourier to send your resume.