Let us break down how to steal some major cash from the Capilano Courier in four simple steps.
A.K Broznitsky (he/they) // Contributor
Freya Emery (she/her) // Illustrator
Hey you. Yeah, you! Act natural, maybe cover this article up a little so someone can’t look over your shoulder or find a private spot to read it.
Are you good? Okay, read carefully as I let you in on a little secret: the people over at the Capilano Courier are easy pickings. Those rubes got stacks of cash just sitting there, waiting for an entrepreneur such as yourself to come sweep it all up. It’s not rocket science—they’re English majors after all. Here’s the plan:
Step 1: The Cover
Get an easy degree. Any degree will work, but aim for an English degree, ideally a creative writing degree. These work best, as no sane person would ever acquire a degree in English, let alone creative writing, and as is well known, all writers and editors are insane. The goal is to make yourself look appealing. Maybe write a few stellar essays for one of those English classes, or do some personal work. Fiction, nonfiction, poems, an autobiography in the style of autotheory; doesn’t matter. As long as you have a portfolio with a few finished pieces to show off, it’ll work. Now if you’re thinking, “But that takes money,” or, “But then I have to study,” no worries! Student loans are just temporary, and you’ll probably be so rich in the future that you’ll be able to pay them off without a second thought. And never forget C’s get degrees.
Step 2: The In
Scope out the situation. Most of those idiots are super talkative. Pick a mark—an editor or staff writer—and become their friend. Ask them about, say, their favourite indie film or the decline of print as a medium, and they’ll start spilling their guts. Play it cool, nod along, express interest in their interests. Be convincing. Once you have successfully tricked one of them into liking you, that’s when you make your play.
Step 3: The Disguise
Here’s the trickiest part. You gotta get a job at the Courier. Working as a contributing writer is the easiest way in. You gotta implant yourself in their system. If you get in, they won’t notice the money being siphoned out. Use your contact to vouch for you. Trick them well enough and they’ll let you in on the Courier pitch doc. This is where you want to be. Every month they send that little Google doc out with a handful of article ideas. Pick one; doesn’t matter the topic, and start writing. Just whip something up in two minutes and send it over. If they comment on it being ‘amateurish’ or ‘unprofessional’ just say that it was a stylistic authorial choice. Mention Hunter S. Thompson for good measure. The editor will suggest you make a few revisions. Do all of these, and compliment the editor on how talented they are. The more they like you, the more they won’t suspect what you’re up to.
Step 4: The Payout
Keep working there, keep writing articles, maybe become a staff writer or editor, and all the while the cheques keep rollin’ in. Just pick some up at the Courier office and cash it at your nearest ATM. It’s foolproof; they literally hand the money right to you. This con is so much safer and simpler than, say, straight-up burglary. If you do that, people will notice, but if you keep working quietly, picking up that cheque each month, they won’t even realize they’re being robbed. And the best part is, when you graduate from Capilano with whatever useless degree you signed up for, they’ll probably throw you a little celebration for your work with the magazine. They’ll never even know what you were up to the whole time. It’s genius.