February 12th is Darwin Day, here are some reasons why science shouldn’t exist
Sean Finan (Any) // Crew Writer
February 12th is Darwin Day. Kind of weird to celebrate some weird white guy in the middle of Black History Month… Anyways, apparently he invented science or something? There are plenty of people that believe this guy and plenty of people who don’t. I barely know who he is to be honest with you, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if he was right about us being monkeys or frogs, because I feel like we are still the least evolved species, with the most issues, giving the most fucks. Science continues to fail us and we are desperately in need of some magic. Where is Dumbledore’s day? They basically look the same and Dumbledore is outlandishly more captivating (and hotter).
Without a hint of ado, here are my…
Top 5 Things Science Has Absolutely Ruined the Fun Of (in no particular order)
- Sex
People used to be roaming around, fornicating willy-nilly before Charles Darwin stepped in and invented the condom. Now birth rates are down and satisfaction is at an all time low. Fuckboys are rampant and it’s all thanks to the plastic sock we put on penises. Not to mention pornography. Without Darwinian cameras and computers there would be no porn, and the world would not be poisoned, we’d be running in the woods half naked as we should be.
- Hair
Before Darwin invented the razor, hair grew long, down to our ankles. And it was beautiful. Now we have to see people with fades and buzzcuts that are frankly quite disturbing. The invention of shampoo has also stripped us of our natural grease that should be dripping from each lock.
- The Environment
Dude, the environment sucks now thanks to science. Everything is so grey and shit. Scientific garbage is all over the place and everything is fucked.
- Magic
Explanations make things boring! The reason magic shows aren’t a thing anymore is because everyone tries to explain it with some bullshit scientific answer. People back in the day used to just say, “Wow, that’s cool!” or, “That’s witchcraft, burn them at the stake!” Both are way more fun than our New Age scientific demonstrations like space travel or something dumb like that.
- Drugs
Before science could explain them, drugs were taken with almost no ability to prepare! The knowledge around them was completely hearsay. And we didn’t know how bad they were for our bodies. Thanks to Darwin and his science we all have to be painfully aware that our habits are destroying our bodies.
I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope that you spend Darwin Day neglecting the bogus scientific doctrines impregnated in your mind and have some fun.