Are you sick of getting bullied? Well, you’re in luck– some unbullyable bully will explain how you can finally level up and not be a loser
Yasmine Modaresi (she/her) // Crew Writer
Caroline Zhang (any) // Online Artwork
When February comes to an end, your eyes will likely be bombarded by endless seas of pink on the streets, at work, on campus—it’s never-ending. You may ask yourself, “The new Mean Girls musical and Barbie eras are behind us as a society, so why the heck is everyone bombarding my eyes with pink?” Well, newsflash, February 26th is Pink Shirt Day, or anti-bullying day. If you’re currently reading the Capilano Courier comedy section and attending our humble liberal arts university, I don’t think it’s too far-fetched to assume that you were probably bullied at some point in your adolescence. And maybe you’re still getting bullied to this day by your peers, boss, parents… the possibilities are endless.
I, being the beacon of excellence that I am, have decided to be your guiding light through these turbulent times of the woke plague, where artsy girls on Instagram attempt to stand in solidarity with the outcasts of society by promoting tolerance. The reality is that if you’re not pretty and moderately financially well off you’re gonna get bullied in some way or another, and not to be classist or anything, but you kinda deserve it. Hear me out.
According to some of the leading thinkers in evolutionary psychology (basement-dwelling sources on Reddit, AKAhighly reputable but classified information) social exclusion, gossip, and yes, bullying are all adaptive forms of social organization that create community and communicate signals of hegemony to members in a given population. So maybe, in the long run, if you wanna avoid being bullied, you need to do some serious self-reflecting and potentially change everything about yourself.
First off, are you conventionally attractive? “Beauty is subjective,” you say? Well, I’ve got news for you. The halo effect is a very real phenomenon that influences every aspect of our lives, from employment to forming relationships. So if you take a good look at yourself and think, “Someone will find me beautiful based on my personality,” odds are you might need to hit the gym and invest a couple thousand dollars in plastic surgery. I know, I know, someone on Instagram said everyone is beautiful. But honey, do you have a sugar daddy or mamma paying your rent? If the answer is no, ask yourself why that is.
Secondly, I want to acknowledge that our neoliberal society really propagates the idea of non-violence at the political level and that this trickles down into the very framework of our culture at the most basic level of interpersonal interactions. When someone calls you a “fugly alley wench” or an “East Van bridge-dwelling troll,” you might be tempted to do as Jesus Christ did and turn the other cheek to your abuser for a second slap (kinda kinky). This is seriously ill-advised. Where does being a pacifist get you in life? Well, take it from Jesus, it gets you another slap in the face and then nailed to a cross. What you need to do is assert dominance, which, I will add, is a primal tradition spanning the cultures of the world all throughout human history! You need to bully your bullies back. WORSE. And let’s face it, you probably have a lot more experience being abused than your bullies, so finding the degrading material to absolutely obliterate them into a violated mush of submission shouldn’t be a challenge. Call on inspiration from the bullies of your past and treat it like ancestral wisdom; allow the warmongering psyches of your bullies to possess you demonically. Then, finally, unleash the wrath onto your bully. Who’s “the sniveling little bitch” now? My, how the tables have turned.
Finally, you need to gain consciousness of what is actually valued in our hyperproductive and hyperconsumerist society. Just looking good and being violent will prevent bullying, of course, but you shouldn’t aim to be the handsome and violent lad or lass that your peers (or boss) is afraid to bully. You must now actualize into a force to be reckoned with. Sadly, this is not Frank Herbert’s Dune universe, so you won’t be able to become half desert worm, attain godhead and possess an entire lineage of ancestral wisdom. Through absolutely deconstructing your humanity at a fundamental level you may be able to tap into the dark triad of personality traits: Machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy. Trust me, dudes and dudettes, this is where it’s at. Once you become the amalgamation of all the darkest, most twisted aspects of humanity, not only will you be able to become highly successful by using people as sacrificial pawns on your chessboard of life, but people will also be too terrified of your absolute ruthlessness to ever mess with you again.