In a stunning turn of events, the Capilano Student’s Union board has voted to decide that they should be completely absolved of any responsibility to actually do their jobs.
Adam Wallace (he/him) // Humour Editor
“What could Richard Nixon have accomplished had those jerks Woodward and Bernstein not taken him down?” wonders the Capilano Student’s Union (CSU) President. “It’s questions like these that made me realize that it’s not us that’s the problem, it’s the system that tries to hold us accountable.”
While a controversial move within the room, the CSU board has found their move hasn’t been met with pushback among the student body. When polled, a whopping 98.4% percent of students agreed they “don’t care what the CSU does.” Conversely, the lone student that said they did care about the CSU is described by classmates as being a “nerd.”
I sat down with a CSU board member who wished to be anonymous. Usually, we don’t allow publicly elected board members to hide behind anonymity, but they told me they’d get me expelled if I didn’t do what they said. I said they couldn’t do that. They said, “You wanna risk it, rubby-tub-tub?” I hung my head and said no.
WALLACE: So what is it that the board really wants to get out of this vote?
ANON: Well, our main goal is to get paid to do nothing. It’s easy money. But then a bunch of jerks kept on getting on our case about it.
WALLACE: That seems unethical.
ANON: Who are you to judge me? Shut up. I’m making cash fist over foot and I don’t have to do shit. You’re just jealous.
All in all, I would say the anonymous board member has the faintest hint of a good point. Who amongst us wouldn’t want to make money while doing nothing? Now, we probably wouldn’t stoop to the level of seeking an elected position and vote to make it so you don’t have to do anything, but still.