Meditations on consciousness
Sara Brinkac (She/They) // Columns Editor
Jasmine Linton // Illustrator
When one gets a concussion, some emotional symptoms tend to follow. There are a few different factors which contribute to this, some can be the injury itself, some external factors and some can be low energy levels in general. When I received my concussion I believe I experienced all three. During this turbulent state I was confronted with a side of myself I was not comfortable with.
“Think of your brain as a snowglobe.” I’m reminded of an extremely helpful analogy from my occupational therapist. She explained the concussion meant a shaking of that globe where all the chemicals responsible for regulating and processing were disturbed. This meant that in the early days of the concussion, while healing, you may feel emotional symptoms you are not used to because you’re quite literally chemically imbalanced. As she neatly put it—the process of healing is the process of this globe settling.
But those initial days can cause a lot of damage and continue a cycle of pain long after your snow globe may have settled. The concussed brain is an anxious brain trying desperately to scan for and protect against danger. When I was hit I had heart palpitations for two days and felt the anxiety coursing through my veins and racing through my mind. I was spiraling through worrying thoughts, developing plans for worst case scenarios and overwhelmed by fears that were not present.
This immense concentration of stress and anxiety, of course, means a great reduction in one’s energy, which then leads to greater irritability and emotionality. Emotional stress, especially while also needing energy for physical recovery, can quickly turn into a vicious cycle of pain, emotionality and confusion. This cycle can last for weeks, in my case months, as one tries to regain physical and emotional stamina from a state that was near zero.
Being someone who tries to distance themselves from negative emotions, this was an extremely turbulent time for me. Throughout my life I have become quite skilled at numbing myself from feeling as a form of protection. Only in the last few years had I made the conscious effort to start letting emotion in again and put myself in vulnerable states. These training wheels have meant a lot of confusion about what to do with my emotions and where to put the energy when overwhelmed.
As I examine the stress of my recovery I also notice a connection between my approach to the female. I was ashamed of my irritability and my sadness in some ways. I didn’t want to be seen as acting out or overdramatic. I noticed a pattern of trying to keep a calm demeanor not only to others but in my internal dialogue. I began to realize how much judgment I held inside myself over people who present negative emotions. I had labeled emotions such as anger, jealousy and fear as ‘useless.’ I hated the idea of being the sick girlfriend, or the girl that needs to be taken care of, the one who prevents others from going out. I bullied myself for feeling sad, for having anger, for being annoyed and of course that didn’t help those emotions go away. Around the second month of this turmoil, I realized my only way out was to accept these parts of me, not shove them down and exile them to a deep pit of ‘the crazy bitch I dont want to be.’
However, this is a process easier said than done. In fact it is a process I am still currently practicing. I am still met with daily neurosis, pangs of fear and rushes of anxiety at bumps to my head or mentions of previous anxious spirals. As I began a normal working life again I am relearning how to gain physical stamina and how my low physical energy affects my emotional energy.
It is a process certainly, one with many unexpected breakthroughs, and assumptions to be challenged. I never thought part of my concussion recovery would include an overhaul of my approach to and perspective on female identity. However, I have found a new awareness of the emotional suffering of myself and others which has certainly contributed to a substantial change in my perception of human beings as a whole. I suppose this is a new perception I will carry with me for the rest of my life … Huh … Now how ‘bout that.