Joss Arnott // Staff Writer
Thea Pham // Illustration
NORTH VANCOUVER, BC — “No one could’ve predicted this,” said Kyle Geiger, an Interdisciplinary Studies student at Capilano University (CapU) in a statement to university press early Monday morning. Geiger stands accused of plagiarizing an essay entirely from Wikipedia, a free online encyclopedia hated by teachers the world over for making education and research easy, accessible and straightforward. Geiger’s statement came moments before he was dragged away by his raging West Van mother, who at the time of the interview stated she was “about ready to beat his ass.”
“Integrity is everything,” said the Dean of Fine and Applied Arts, Sean Knight. “If he’d stolen it from Britannica, that would be one thing, but the fact that he used Wikipedia is completely unforgivable—I can’t believe we axed studio art for this.” CapU recently adopted a hardline policy towards academic indiscretion after an independent study revealed that over half the faculty were using falsified credentials.
“I should’ve just used an essay mill like everyone else,” Geiger lamented, adding that his Point Grey friend Brett Harington had warned him, “only poor people use Wikipedia. If you get caught, you can’t come to my yacht party in April because dad says it’ll look bad.” Geiger has since been unavailable for further comments.
In an off-the-record conversation at Seymour’s pub, Knight was much more relaxed. “I love Wikipedia,” the professor said, playing with a napkin. “It’s how I teach most of my classes.” (Don’t tell him we told you that.) Geiger is reportedly set to appear in the Birch cafeteria for a hearing later this week. His lawyers were confident they could win the case without incident, provided they could secure the necessary funds to bribe CapU once again.