Have this in your drink and take control of your synapses!
Written by Hugh Mann (we/us) // Contributor
Visuals by Alex Baidanuta (she/her) Crew Illustrator
Matcha. Ube. Yuzu. These are all trending food items we like to put in drinks. All of them are from various parts of what we call “Asia.” Aside from tasting extremely delicious, what exactly makes them special? Why do we see them trending so much on the Canadian-American TikTok and on Instagram reels?
It is the aesthetic of them. The pretty colors of green, purple and yellow. You get the satisfaction of the gradient in the bright red, milk-white and dark green in an iced strawberry matcha latte or the distinctive royal purple for an ube matcha latte. Modern cafes must follow the “camera eats first” rule or their businesses don’t succeed. Make no mistake, this is not a critique! We admire the tenacity of corporations and their eagerness to survive in this cruel money-eating world. Which is why we would like to introduce something revolutionary. Something truly mind-dazzling and out of this world. It is called:
Zplorf.
So we do not get mishaps like the “oob” situation, it is phonetically correct no matter how you say it.
Now, we know it’s a little ambitious to introduce a completely new thing to a list of already popular foreign items, but please hear us out! Zplorf does not just come in one colour, but in many others! In fact, it can encompass the whole of the human colour spectrum. It is the most ultimately customizable ingredient introduced to this planet. You do not even have to ask for a colour! Our special ingredient and our specially-trained baristas will know exactly what colour you want. How cool is that? It is the perfect drink for you and your camera!
Not only is it pleasing to the eye, it can also be a remedy attuned to your lifestyle! It is the closest to a cure-all you can find anywhere on Earth. Up late working on a project and need to get up early in the morning? Zplorf will get you to sleep quickly and wake you up early and well-rested. Had a fun and slightly regretful night before your big day? Try Zplorf! Are your kids annoying the living hell out of you? Zplorf your kids!
But where does Zplorf hail from? We are proud and delighted to say it comes from our home. It is produced from carefully curated organic farms our family has run for thousands of years. It is ethically sourced.
Unlike most, we do not take advantage of the people who make Zplorf.
We don’t use pesticides or chemical additives to increase shelf life or taste. Zplorf does not need it. It is a completely safe and natural ingredient.
Zplorf is, unfortunately, only available at specific cafes in the Vancouver area, for now. However, we’ve made loads of progress taking over most of the United States! It is also a very popular drink in the southern parts of Alberta, Saskatchewan, as well as some of Toronto. We have found parts of urban Canada are a little resistant to trying new and unfamiliar things so for this special occasion, for the next few weeks, Zplorf will do a BOGO deal! Buy one get one free!
Do not hesitate to try something new. Invite your friends and your family to the local Zplorf cafe! Maybe finally ask that special someone on a first date? Try a sip, at least. We offer free samples. Come and rest.
For a moment, forget your days living paycheque to paycheque, living in the shadows of that broken dream. Take a small but comfortable break before you chase that company ladder.
We promise you it is worth it. We promise you it will change your life. Join the collective.
Join Us.