An Exclusive Interview with the CEO of a World-wide Private Healthcare Company
Written by Kayla Price (she/her/they) // Contributor
Visuals by Andrei Gueco (he/him) // Contributor
The news loves to cover the top one per cent, a population of people said to “hoard wealth” and “avoid paying their share of taxes” while the remaining 99 per cent is “overworked” and “struggles to pay for groceries.” What we haven’t considered is how hard the top one per cent have to work everyday. The upkeep of their multi multi-million dollar mansions isn’t going to fund itself. Sure, all of their staff actually maintaining their vacation homes and oceanfront properties are in the 99 per cent, but if they want to earn more than minimum wage someday, surely they just need to work harder in order to make their first billion in this economy!
Regardless, this article isn’t focused on just any of the uppermost members of our society. I’m aiming higher, interviewing some of the upper uppermost, statistics-evading organisms in our society: the top 0.01 per cent.
Household cleaning products always advertise their products as killing 99.99 per cent of germs, but have you ever thought of what happened to those lucky few who stay alive? Where are they now, what have they been up to? That’s what I’m here to answer today in this interview with the cream of the crop, so that the rest of (vir)us can understand what it takes to make it in this society.
Kayla: So how would you describe yourself?
E.coli: I’m a mighty microbe, I’ll tell you that much. Resilient, too. Some of my haters say that my generational wealth of gene mutations makes me a nepo baby, but that didn’t have nearly as much of a hand at getting me this far as my survival instincts did. I eat LOTS of protein.
Kayla: What do you see as your biggest strengths?
E. coli: You know, I’ve really grown into the role of CEO for my private healthcare centre. I think managing managers was made for me. I’m a great “ideas guy,” and hiring other people to do my job for me has granted me more time to word-vomit more profit-maxxing ideas to paper. Dealing with everyday workers sounds absolutely nauseating, so I’ve become good at making other people nauseous in my stead. Inevitably, there’ll always be those who wretch at the thought of my success, but they’re just jealous that they lack the survival skills necessary to escape countertop cleaner assassination attempts the way I have. It’s a kill or be killed world under capitalism, and I’m just doing my part.
Kayla: You’re confident you deserve your new title then?
E. coli: I definitely do. There aren’t any other organisms that could sit at my desk, or on any other hard surfaces for that matter, the way that I can. Going with my gut has gotten me this far, which is very telling that I deserve to be here.
Kayla: Have you grappled with any kind of self-doubt in the past?
E. coli: Never! I’ve been told that my opinions are tough to ingest at times, I’m truly sorry that they feel that way. My personality is infectious to those who get to know me, and I think very highly of myself as a result. I know my worth.
Kayla: What direction are you wanting to take the company?
E. coli: We’ve seen a massive increase in new and returning customers since our partnership with Jim Pattison’s raw beef products, it’s been a mutually beneficial business relationship working with them. I’ve always had a fondness for cow meat, so I figure that an expansion into other dairy products only makes sense as our next big business venture. There’s a massive hole in the market for unpasteurized milk and cheeses! It’s to die for in other countries, so that’s my next big move for our western branches. I’d also love to expand our reach into other healthcare facilities, and we’re also looking into sponsoring community programming and bacteria-cultural events for the elderly and immunocompromised.
Kayla: Anything else you’d like to mention?
E. coli: Times are tough, for sure, but nothing is tougher than the isolation that comes with living alone in a megamansion. Let that knowledge keep you individualistic, working yourself to the bone and buying our health insurance to fix it!