Observation means everything to a guy like the Cobra
Gabriel Locke-Caron (he/him) // Contributor
Ren Zhang (they/them) // Illustrator
Everybody loves cats. That’s a fact. But, unfortunately, cats haven’t always liked us back. Has that changed? Tune in and find out, bbg.
I have been observing: people, places and felines.
My observations include: kitty-cats like to say hello to strangers whilst on walks. Kitty-cats like babies. Kitty-cats like laying in the sun.
I know what you’re thinking: “How is any of that information substantial in any way? What point can he possibly make here?”
Let me tell you somethin’, buckaroo. I know cats. I know animals. I am the Cesar Milan of New Jersey.
But, who am I really?
My name’s Gabriel. That’s my government name. But, on the streets, they call me ‘Cobra.’ By day, I’m a senior executive assistant girls soccer coach, but by night, I’m a private detective. That’s right, ol’ Cobra’s got his eye on everything: Is your wife cheating on you? Is the guy a better and more nurturing provider to your kids than you? Does your wife love him, or does he just have a car? Who knows…
Cobra knows.
(Debby. . . If you are reading this. Please forgive me. ‘The incident’ was an accident and you know that. You have no right to hold that against me. The Cobra loves you deeply. Come home.)
But, enough about the Cobra. You’re here for some juicy deets.
Here’s what I got: Cats. What about ‘em? I’ll tell you what. They’re gettin’ nicer. How so? Number one: Cats don’t kill mice anymore. . . they befriend them (that’s actually a real pain in the ass). Number two: Cat fights don’t happen anymore (no, we’re not talking about my ex-wife). Number three: Cats no longer piss on my leg when I walk by (praise be to our lord Jesus Christ).
Let’s just say. . . The Cobra spends a great deal of time observing cats. Or, as I like to call it, ‘scoping out pussy.’ And, yeah, perhaps that is a little shameful. So, what? You’re not perfect either, and don’t you EVER, for one second, try to say that you are. The Cobra is a work in progress, as are we all, under the tutelage of our Heavenly Father.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. You may be asking, just house-cats? Nuh-uh, big boy. I’m talkin’ all cats: Leopards (leopard print? awesome), Panthers (they made a pink one!) Lions (Ever watched The Lion King? Super nice), Tigers, you name it. Maybe not cougars.
. . .Speakin’ of which, unfortunately The Cobra is involved in an ongoing court case, because the cougars at pilates class can’t handle a compliment from a powerful and charming senior executive assistant girls soccer coach. However, I have been advised not to speak further on the matter. To learn more about my legal battle and how you can help, go to: www.EnterTheCobra.org.
Anyway, cats are getting nicer. I was walking home from Denny’s one night with a takeout container of spaghetti and meatballs and a kitty came and cuddled up to me. I decided to take him home. His name is Manny.
If you see my wife, Debby, tell her to come home. I always set the table for two.
© Copyright, EnterTheCobra LLC (2026). The above content is not to be taken as acknowledgement and/or admission of guilt under any circumstance in relation to any and all ongoing or former criminal prosecution, i.e. “The State vs. Gabriel ‘The Cobra’ Travolta etc.