An examination of foods the Canadian fast food chain hoped we’d forget.
Sean Finan (any) // Crew Writer
Yohahnah Loker (she/her) // Web Illustrator
As the year gets more and more depressing, iconic Canadian fast-food chain Tim Hortons (bad) comes to the rescue! Behold the “Non-Alcoholic Baileys Flavoured Menu Items,” which include the Baileys Dream Hot Chocolate, Baileys Boston Cream Donut and the Baileys Ice Capp–all seeming like an excuse to get drunk before work and blame the smell on your food.
Not that I’m complaining, but when are they going to have the testicles to put some real cum in their donuts? The concept of non-alcoholic foods that taste like alcohol always confused me. Anyone who says they drink for the taste is clearly a scheming alcoholic in denial. I mean, just imagine if they made brownies that taste like weed but don’t get you high. Stupid, right? I think part of it might be preparing children to enjoy the Bailey’s taste before they are legally allowed to drink so, when they are, they will connect their childhood memories with the sweet taste of Baileys. Wahoo! A lifetime customer.
These items got me thinking, what other menu items deserve to be torn apart and dissected? So, without a hint of ado left, we are counting down the…
TOP 8 WORST TIM HORTONS MENU ITEMS (People really bought this shit?):
- The Bacon Everything Flatbread Pizza
Pizza has come a long way from its Italian roots. This is a mockery of everything pizza has been or could ever be. I mean, the name alone… Before you order this, consider having some self-respect.
- Candy Cane White Hot Chocolate
The people ordering this drink are a lot like the drink itself: white and seven years old. Adults that are drinking these on a regular basis are guaranteed to fail in life. This drink will cause you to rot from the inside out.
- Smoked Sausage Country Wrap
The entire concept of putting a sausage into a tortilla wrap should be strictly reserved for drunk and/or high teenagers experimenting in their parents’ kitchen.
- Blackberry Yuzu Lemonade Quencher
This is anything but a “quencher.” This item is one of the worst things I’ve put in my mouth, basically battery acid (More like “clencher,” am I right, folks?).
- Thanksgivin’ Dinner Donut
Who thought it was a good idea to put turkey and gravy inside a Boston Cream? Someone at headquarters must have been incredibly dointed to let this one slide. At least take the chocolate off the donut and make it a sort of Bao Bun type thing.
- Parmesan Liquorice Bites
I’ll give them points for creativity, but sometimes there’s a reason we don’t combine certain flavours. The liquorice really brings out the “old milk” flavour in the cheese, and the cheese really brings out the “decaying tire” texture in the licorice.
- BDSM Poutine Explosion
They “give you the poutine and then sound you” under the table? This hardly seems like an appropriate menu item for a publicly-traded restaurant.
- The Drizzy Drizzler
This marketing campaign for this one says “Drizzy Drake (Aubrey Graham)’s cream-filled surprise will have you believing in God’s Plan.” Many believe this menu item was only introduced in response to Kendrick Lamar’s menu collab with Jack in the Box, “To Pimp A Burgerfry.”