I’ve never not condoned not using drugs, so here are my top three Capilano University bathrooms to absolutely not do drugs in.
Sean Finan (any) // Crew Writer
Tin Raganit (they/them) // Illustrator
Once upon a time, humans and their bowel movements were one. People used to just go when they felt like it, in the street, in the forest or in their living room on the couch watching Teen Wolf. Not me, though! Never happened to me once. As a baby, I locked myself in a room and potty trained myself so I’d never have to use a diaper. But for everyone else—when the great divide of human beings and shit happened around 3000 BCE– bathrooms were installed into the homes of everyone that could afford it.
Since then, people have been doing drugs in them. But not here at Capilano University, where our bathrooms are far too clean. I’ve never not condoned not using drugs, so here are my top three Capilano University bathrooms to absolutely not do drugs in.
- Library Bathrooms
Why the hell would you do drugs in a spot as nice as this? If you’re looking for a place to snort some Grade C Special K you’re surely looking for a dingier atmosphere. More ambient lighting, maybe even some graffiti. The mise-en-scene could be drastically improved.
2. Bosa Centre Bathrooms
Dare I even bring up the Bosa Booty Boxes, the bathrooms on the third floor of the Bosa Centre? Not only are these bathrooms stunning, but they are on opposite ends of a hallway which doubles as a cavernous reverb simulator. If you’re getting dointed on a fat juicy Dank J, you better not fail to inhale; even the slightest cough is going to echo through the hallways, alerting anyone in the nearby vicinity. Did I mention there are also no window openings anywhere on the third floor? Good luck ventilating that kush exhaust! Any excess THC particles lingering in the air will be sure to get professors and students alike stoned to the bone (which, again, is something we do not want to happen).
3. Birch Cafeteria Bathrooms
This one is a must. As in, you must not even think about engaging in the ingestion, absorption, disintegration, hydration, injection, vaporization, or imperialization of any illicit substances while inside this bathroom. Not only is this bathroom beautifully constructed and equally as innocent as all of the aforementioned bathrooms at Capilano University, it also has people lining up for it that have just been nourished by the Birch Cafeteria. This nourishment, which includes Subway sandwiches, a salad bar and tons of coffee, is sure to cause unwieldy bowel movements in students. This would mean that any drug usage would cause the lines to be further extended, potentially causing life-altering and/or fatal medical issues from the inhibiting of feces excretion.
That’s been my list of the top three bathrooms to not do drugs in at CapU. I hope you have learned a thing or two and are going into these bathrooms strictly to shit and piss and absolutely not to do drugs.