“What? I’m not homophobic, I’m an ally!”
Ren Zhang (they/them) // Contributor
Millie Beatch (she/her) // Web Illustrator
It’s Halloween month, and that means the gays are coming out to bat in preparation for the most beloved LGBTQ+holiday. In between crocheting and gluing, why not read some top picks vying for the gayest title?
Number 5: “Simon vs. the Homosapiens Agenda” by Becky Albertalli
A beautiful book filled with homosexual agenda galore. Follow Simon—a 16 year-old boy with a secret that’s worse than being vegan—through a tender coming-of-age story navigating the rocky waves of high school. With plenty of queer angst and pining, you’ll love its pen pal love drama, internal struggles, and irresistible influence that is turning the children of the world gay and trans. That’s right, keep your children well away from any positive representation of difference if you want them to suffer lifelong shame. A great read!
Number 4: “This Book is Gay” by Juno Dawson
The title says everything you need to know. Filled with funny illustrations and writing meant only for white gay men, you’ll find an inspiring message that it’s okay to be queer. They throw in some sex advice, but if you’re not a gay man then you’re out of luck. If you’re transgender or gender non-conforming, you’ll enjoy the rigid gender binary that this book loves to propagate. And for the asexuals, you’ll love how asexuality is mentioned once at the beginning, and is promptly cast aside when the author writes that everyone, regardless of sexuality, wants to have sex with tons of people. It’s a must-read!
Number 3: “Ender’s Game” by Orson Scott Card
A beloved science fiction novel, Ender’s Game will curve anybody’s straight arrow. Ender, the main character, has deep relationships with other boys, and sparks fly when that turns into a totally platonic kiss. Not to mention Card’s belief that gayness will end democracy, which goes to show how powerful the gays really are. Delve into an intergalactic adventure where the characters are on a ship and in a ship, spreading that gay love beyond time and space.
Number 2: “Twelve Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos” by Jordan B. Peterson
Number two on the roster is a self-help book by everybody’s favourite armchair-psychologist and intellectual podcaster. Fix your life by following his rules of standing up for others, petting cats when you see them, and pushing the gender binary to the extreme. You’ll love his long rants on how men represent “order” and women represent “chaos.” The gayness is strong with this one—why are you treating men better than women, huh? Seems pretty gay if you ask me.
Number 1: The Entire Harry Potter Series by J.K Rowling
You’ve been an excellent audience and unfortunately we’ve reached the end of our time together. Coming in at the top spot is the entire set of the Harry Potter series! From saying that Dumbledore is gay to Remus Lupin’s condition being a representation for AIDS, J.K Rowling and Harry Potter truly won our hearts with all the amazing representation. Celebrate diversity with the totally non-offensive Asian character Cho Chang or Black character Kingsley Shacklebolt. Until the transgenders came along, J.K Rowling was doing just fine! Explore the magical world of Hogwarts, where all the students in the school are definitely cisgender. Join in on the fun and get yourself a Harry Potter tattoo, where you’ll be statistically more likely to experience regret than people getting gender-affirming surgeries!
That’s all folks! Well, except for one more thing.
All joking aside, here’s my list for uplifting, authentic queer stories:
“Heartstopper” by Alice Oseman – a graphic novel about queer love that will stop your heart with cuteness and warmth.
“Cemetery Boys” by Aiden Thomas – a YA fantasy with a trans main character that will bring you back to life!
“Gender Queer” by Maia Kobabe – an illustrated autobiography by a non-binary author that will hold your hand and soothe your dysphoria.
“Light From Uncommon Stars” by Ryka Aoki – the gayness is off the charts with this one. Fall in love with a demon, get invested in violin competitions, and grab a bite from an interstellar donut shop!
“The Girl from the Sea” by Molly Knox Ostertag – a graphic novel with a love between a land dweller and a mermaid(?) that transcends more than a relationship.