Are you hurting or are you helping?
Yasmine Elsayed (She/her) // Contributor
Geraldine Yaris // Illustrator
People’s bodies change all the time whether they have trauma or just want to gain or lose weight. It’s no big deal. Or more accurately, it’s not supposed to be.
There is this common consensus in the world that we must share our opinions on other people’s bodies even though they were unasked for. We grew up in a world where we normalized commenting on someone’s body; whether it’s a compliment or not. The first thing you see when meeting a person is their looks, afterall. However, this does not mean we should comment on them.
Whether you think you are “helping” or not, someone else’s body is none of your business. They can do whatever they want with it, so keep your comments, questions, and concerns to yourself. I know it can be challenging as it is such an automatic thing to say; it’s our go-to. For example we say, “Hi! How have you been? You look good!” It’s become too normal for anyone to even notice it.
The thing is, not everyone has evil intentions when they comment on someone’s body. Some people can tell the difference between someone who wants to hurt you and those who just say it—commenting or complimenting someone on their appearance is somehow tied to the feeling that we care or pay attention. For example, from personal experience, people usually tell me that they are saying these comments because they care about me —; or want me to be “healthy.”
We need to realize that the toxicity lies in the physical nature of the comment, rather than its good intention. A few people will say, “Well, I say this because I do want the best for [this person]” But, there are better ways to do it.
When I have this discussion with other people, I always get this counter-argument in return, “What if someone asks me how their makeup looks or how they look in an article of clothing? They’re basically asking me to comment on their bodies!” Nope. There are ways to approach this without hurting the person’s feelings. Please don’t focus on their bodies, but instead focus on the garment. If it’s a poor cut or the colour doesn’t match the rest of the outfit, and you have a good alternative, then suggest it. When someone asks you about your opinion, go ahead with that route! Honesty or providing your opinion does not mean that you have to be judgmental in your answer.
Some people choose to change how they look, while others can’t. Before commenting, stop and think about what could be going on in their life outside of their body. Do you know what this person has or is gone through? If your answer is no, then you probably shouldn’t point anything out. This is essential because, to some people, it could be triggering. Empathy is key. Your comments can easily turn into body-shaming. So, be wary of your words.
However, some people, such as myself, like it when you compliment them on their physical appearance. Make sure you create some sort of balance between non-physical and physical compliments. Try looking for something that compliments their physical appearance as well as their effort they put in to make that outfit or look. You could say, “I like your choice of accessories, it goes well with your outfit.” It’s a lovely compliment, it addresses the person’s physical appearance and their dedication to put that outfit together.
There’s more to the person than their looks. So, here are alternatives. I asked a few of my friends what compliments they’d like to hear, and here’s what they said,
“You’re such a funny person!”
“You’re so smart.”
“You’re a great listener.”
“You’re so nice/kind.”
“I admire how passionate you are about [blank].”
“I love your energy!”
“You look very happy/blissful today.”
“I feel so comfortable around you.”
“You’re so sweet.”
Physical appearance, at the end of the day, is but a small part of the whole that is our humanity. It’s exhaustingly exaggerated. Maybe, if each of us move towards a healthier view of our fellow humans, the more magic we will find within each other.