Quiet, hip, broke. These are just some of the words people associate with Capilano University. It’s that little school that’s neatly tucked away in the forests of North Vancouver. It’s that school you go to if you’re a musician, if you want a university credit despite the community college atmosphere, and — up until last year — if you liked pottery and sculpting.
Just like those at any other institution, students at CapU can fall into a specific group. So forget political correctness, here’s our tongue-in-cheek guide to the types of students you’ll see on campus. Just remember, this is the humour section. Off the record, we think you’re all pretty neat.
Who would’ve thought that nearly 30 years after The Breakfast Club, the stereotypical jock would still remain prominent? They’ve undergone some evolution, too. It’s no longer about the varsity teams and jackets. It’s about the tightest fitting tank top, the shaker cups and the creatine, bro. It’s about the max bench press and not missing leg days. Come to think of it, it’s pretty impressive that the gym rats have stayed relevant at CapU, considering the lacking gym facility. Yes, CapU has a gym. No, you don’t want to see it.
The Business Minded
A CapU archetype, the business students mean exactly what their program says: business. They bring in the most money, they have the biggest enrolment and they’re supposedly the best dressed, save for a few badly altered suits. Unfortunately, the rest of the school just thinks they’re keeners who believe every meeting is a business meeting — except they don’t seem to have a meeting room to do it in. Instead, they take up every study room in the library and every group table as well. Talk about a monopoly. They even have these associations that throw events around campus – for themselves, of course. It’s not all about meet and greets and spreadsheets for them though. You might catch one binging on Suits or Mad Men, or at least making their best attempt at dressing like one of the characters.
Most students start out this way. No purpose, no concrete goal, and have next to zero idea on what to do with their life. They’ll have textbooks from political science, anthropology, and economics classes. They’ll love philosophy because it can get all existential and shit, and because it’ll get them to ponder about the same question they ask themselves every night: “What am I doing with life?” They’re fully aware that their lack of program also means a lack of community, which we all know leads to having no friends at all, except for maybe the guy in the cafeteria who gives them an extra chicken strip or two. Ultimately, the undeclared embody the spirit of college. You get to learn about everything – as long as you show up to class. Wait, this sounds like me, except for the part about the free chicken strips. Hey Aramark, can you hook a brother up?
A nocturnal bunch, the musical geniuses of CapU are known for basically living in the practice rooms of their building and arriving late to their electives with instruments in hand. But hey, when you have 10 courses every semester, you gotta do what you gotta do, right? To combat their high stress levels and keep themselves stimulated during late night jam sessions, they generally smoke a ton of grass and consume coffee at rather alarming rates. They’ve also been known to party with their professors. Many travel in packs and often live together, usually in dilapidated houses around East Van. Some of our next Art Tatums have also been noted for taking a long time to graduate. There are urban legends of students who have dragged out their degrees for six, seven, even eight years. One even lived in a treehouse for a semester. Another lived in his van. CapU is a second home to many musicians, and maybe even a first to some.
An interesting bunch, they’re super friendly, super nice, and super malleable. They’ll be at every protest and political movement, and everything they read that is somewhat for the betterment of society will resonate in their thoughts. When not combing through the cafeteria garbage cans rescuing plastic forks, you’ll find them toiling in the community gardens next to the Bosa building. They love documentaries, NGOs and things that qualify as a non-profit. They can be found scattered throughout CapU’s various programs — Arts and Sciences, Tourism, and of course, Global Stewardship. They are loving, too. Once I took an International Organizations class, and everyone knew everyone. Hugs everywhere! Watch out for unruly armpit hair though — especially if you wind up standing next to one on a crowded 239 to Phibbs.
The Film Student
At the top of CapU – the actual physical top, not the metaphorical hierarchical top – you’ll find the school’s aspiring Kubricks, Spielbergs and Allens. The film folks are fairly easy to spot. They wear badges after all. Those Bosa Centre lanyards are like their personal insignias, a mark of identity. Anyone lower down the hill on campus usually thinks these guys are pretentious and spoiled, and I can see why. They have the nice and shiny building, state-ofthe- art equipment, and even their own auditorium. They have everything, including the most expensive tuition at CapU, so let’s all take solace in that.
People Ironically enough, the program that theoretically leads to careers in media and public relations features some of the most low-key people on campus. Have you ever seen a communications-based event in the CSU lounge? I haven’t. What the heck is communications anyway? They have this club called the “Frankfurters,” which apparently is undergoing some name change, because no one seems to know what a “Frankfurter” is. They don’t have lanyards and they don’t live in their suits like the business students, but luckily we have a few tricks for identifying them. Word on the street is that this program is not only the easiest, but also features the prettiest babes on campus — you know, the West/North Van type. You’ll find them scattered around campus with their mason jars and kale salads. Prepare a pick up line and get ready to communicate.
The truest alpha dogs of CapU, they’re so dominant that they actually have a territory that’s acknowledged by the rest of the school. Those red couches outside the theatre in Birch – that’s theirs, so approach at your own risk. That’s not to say that CapU’s actor demographic is filled with a bunch of sensitive and territorial people. Those in the acting program just like to band together, like everyone else really. Sometimes they’ll serenade the cafeteria like choir angels, and you don’t want to miss their birthday sing-alongs. They’re really quite adorable. It’s like Glee, only much better… So it’s basically Pitch Perfect.
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