Thank you for stopping by my column where I gallivant through the celluloid hills of classic films I somehow haven’t seen. Over the years I’ve come to realize that not having seen infamous movies such as Star Wars has deeply upset the North American population. This article is my apology to society and in an attempt to no longer offend the masses or ruin relationships with other humans. This week, I review Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark.
First Night: My boyfriend is astounded I’ve seen nothing from the Indiana Jones franchise. “What?!” he cries. I apologize for having made a personal attack on his life by not seeing this movie. I guess I’m going to have to watch this flick if I ever want to see him and his two cats again (he’s a cat man.)
I’m shocked most of the iconic Indiana Jones moments happen within the first 10 minutes of the film; the boulder, the golden idol, the song. Since I’m watching a ghetto version of the movie online, I question whether or not a chunk of it is missing. “No. This is the movie,” says my boyfriend, straight-faced and unimpressed. I give him a kiss to ease the scorn. Soon after, he’s asleep. Typical. Now I’m straight-faced and unimpressed.
Golden idols aside, I would like to discuss the real treasure in this movie: Marion Ravenwood, the daughter of Jones’ deceased mentor and Jones’ ex-lover. When we first meet Marion, she’s in the middle of a shot contest with an ambiguously gendered person that she drinks under the table. This leads me to fantasize about the fun adventures we would have together at the Roxy. Then enters Jones. It’s clear they haven’t seen each other for some time when Marion’s eyes light up and BOOM, she punches him in the face. Maybe the Roxy is a bad idea. Nonetheless, this is my homegirl.
Some other stuff happens afterwards, Marion agrees to help save the Ark from Nazi possession, but I lost interest. I’d like to end my evening on a high note, so I join my boyfriend in dreamland. Till tomorrow Jones. Second Night: I can’t find the movie anywhere on the Internet. I’ve even sacrificed the integrity of my computer in order to find a working link. Netflix proves to be unsuccessful (Yes, I tried American Netflix.) Slight panic as this article is due in two days.
Third Night: Success! My boyfriend finds a working link on the Internet – a modern day hero. This almost makes up for falling asleep on the first night. As I continue watching, I’m riveted by non-stop action. It’s literally one thing after the next and on every mode of transportation imaginable. Cars, planes, boats, horses — Jones does something totally illogical on all of them. But all this pales in comparison to Marion who gets wasted and threatens a man with a butter knife; homegirl will cut you then make herself a sandwich!
After retrieving the stolen Ark from a bunch of Nazis, Jones arranges to transport it to London via ship. It is in this boat that we experience some much needed down time. Thank you Spielberg, now I can go pee. Here we see a romantic, softer kind of intimacy between the two characters — BAM! Marion unknowingly whacks Jones in the face with a mirror. She’s killing it! Can somebody please get this girl her own sitcom? We quickly return to sweet interactions. Jones is sore from all the adventuring and Marion gives him a kiss to ease the pain. Soon after, he’s asleep. Well isn’t this familiar! Apparently, my boyfriend and Indy have a lot in common, such as girlfriends, but minus the everything else.
Alas. The Nazis arrive again and steal the Ark again and capture Marion and Jones again. In these final scenes, a ceremony is performed to open the Ark. Now, when I set out to watch this movie I was under the impression that the famed booby-trapped temple scenes were the thick of it. Turns out, this is just an itty-bitty piece of the movie pie. The adventure sandwiched in between this and what’s about to happen is reminiscent of the Kentucky Fried Chicken Double Down: meat on top, meat on the bottom, meat in the middle. The opening of this artifact unleashes angels of death who wreak fiery havoc on surrounding Nazi soldiers. Chaos ensues. There’s so much action going on that I feel like my head is about to explode when — oh my god — a bad guy’s head actually explodes!
Meanwhile, Jones instructs Marion to simply close her eyes and avoid looking at the ancient spirits, thus sparing their lives. Um… what? That’s it? After bazooka gunfights and jumping on moving jeeps from horseback, Indiana Jones ultimately beats the final boss with a prolonged blink? Well, okay. I guess they’ve been through enough.
In conclusion, Marion Ravenwood: Raiders of the Lost… oops, I mean Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark is an action adventure movie on steroids with a leading lady I want to be my best friend. And on behalf of my boyfriend, he would personally like to thank Indiana Jones for showing his girlfriend that even the most heroic of men fall asleep after being kissed by a woman.
Campus Life Editor
Community Relations Manager
Arts and Culture Editor