How to navigate the mean streets of Vancouver, Burnaby and even Surrey, plus those other municipalities (whatever they’re called)
Jasmine Garcha (she/her) // Arts and Culture Editor
Alexas Chiang (she/her) // Illustrator
Unsure of the driving climate in Vancouver? I’m sure you hear drivers constantly complain about what it’s like. So, I’m going to fill you in on how to fit in.
Rule One: Headlights
Do you use your headlights? Trick question.
The real question is, why are all the lights on your car functioning? If you really need them, make sure that you’ve got LEDs pointed directly ahead, not at the ground where the lines and reflectors are. There’s nothing you need to see there. The objective is to shoot the light at the mirrors of the driver ahead of you. Hopefully, it’ll bounce off and blind their children in the backseat and they will grow up to be successful Vancouver drivers.
Rule Two: Turning
When you’re driving on a six-lane road, the outside two of which are parking lanes, which lane do you turn right from?
Whatever you just said is wrong, because it’s the utmost left lane, as it’s considered rude to turn from elsewhere. And you better not turn on your signal until the very last second. That, too, is considered rude.
Rule Three: Turn Signals
Speaking of signals, you probably shouldn’t use them regardless. What, do you want to be followed home or something? Nah. Never let ‘em know your next move. This will keep you safe from all those crazy people on the road who do things like signal or stop at red lights.
Rule Four: Curbs
When you get a colouring book, you colour in the lines, right? You don’t colour half a metre within the lines, though. Do you see where I’m going with this?
The curbs are your guidelines. Use them as such! When you’re parallel parking, how are you supposed to know how close to get to the curb until you feel how close you are? Scrape your car right against the curb. Just let it scrape. Until you drive over the curb, you haven’t finished parallel parking. It’s also considered good luck in Vancouver culture to bump into the car parked behind you a little bit, so don’t worry about being careful.
Rule Five: Parking Tickets
Parking lots are typically managed by private companies. Capilano University is a great example; Indigo manages CapU’s parking lots. These companies are the ones that issue notices when you’ve violated their parking rules by letting your metre run out or not paying in the first place. Typically, a ticket is about $65–90. Listen closely.
Neither the government nor the licensing office is issuing this notice. You don’t receive a legal fine, nor do you take a point on your license.
All I’ll say now is that it costs $18 to switch your plates at ICBC.
Rule Six: Plates
Do you have a custom vanity plate that says some shit like 1M H4RD, D1KR1D3R or even ANUSTART (shoutout to Arrested Development, my favourite show that hates brown people -Sincerely, A Brown Person). Or, GUUGUU like that one lady in the bright yellow car who I saw swerving in and out of my lane a couple of years ago. I thought it was a drunk frat guy. Anyway, the people in the car behind you need something to add to the humorous material when they’re watching you open your door on the highway. Let them have that.
Rule Seven: Where to Put Your Phone
In your hand. Plain and simple. Just keep it in your hand. You don’t need any of those fancy gadgets to hook up your GPS. How would you record yourself going 100km/hr in your Tesla if your phone was on your dash? Hello? We live in an age of social media, if you’re not filming yourself driving your parent’s car going 40 over the speed limit, who even are you?
Rule Eight: Hitting People
Literally just hit people. What’s stopping you?
Got an ex you hate? Hit ‘em with your car. Prof giving you low grades? Hit ‘em with your car. What are they gonna do, fight back?
Rule Nine: Getting Pulled Over
If the cops pull you over to question you about a hit and run, tell them about this article. What are they going to do, arrest you? Some idiot at a school magazine told you to do it, so why wouldn’t you? What a sad little life they expect you to live. Grow up. Hit ‘em with your car.
Rule Ten: Basically, It’s Just GTA
I don’t understand why we haven’t had a Grand Theft Auto game in Vancouver. In our rapidly advancing technological climate, everything is transitioning to the virtual sphere anyway. If we had a GTA game in Vancouver, you wouldn’t even have to show up to ICBC to get your license, you could do it at home. You’re going to be driving like that regardless. It’s good training.
This driving guide outlines how to survive when on the road in Vancouver, (mostly) based on real stories I’ve been told or witnessed firsthand. Good luck out there and remember: hit or be hit.
