The Capilano Courier’s very own self-proclaimed St. Patrick’s Day expert Adam Wallace answers all your questions about the upcoming Celtic holiday
Adam Wallace (he/him) // St. Patrick’s Day Expert
Livvy Hung (she/her) // Illustration
Q: Me and my boyfriend have been together for six years now, and every St. Patrick’s Day he drinks to the point where I basically have to carry him home. I’m sick of it. He recently told me his plans to drink yet again this upcoming St. Patty’s and we got into a fight about it. I asked him if he could stay sober this year and he said it’s, “a tradition to get blackout with the boys,” and that I’m, “just being dramatic.” How should I handle this? Is this worth ending the relationship over?
What it sounds like to me is you’re frustrated that you have to basically be his mom every time he drinks, which to your credit, is no fun. You’re not his mom and he’s not a baby; that’s not the dynamic of a healthy romantic relationship. But what he’s really worried about is how his friends are going to judge you if you don’t let him get as drunk as he wants. He’s worried that his friends will resent you, then he will resent you and that it’ll snowball into resentment until your relationship crashes and burns. So, what you need to do is prove something to him: you can also be just as useless as he is. To prove this to him, you need to drink him under the table. This will earn the respect of his boys, as well as teach him a valuable lesson that you are not to be underestimated. Stand up for yourself and prove once and for all that you can be just as idiotic as your boyfriend.
Q: As a born and raised Irishman living in the West, the Americanized version of St. Patrick’s is kind of a nightmare to me. Every year, it’s just Leprechaun jokes, people trying to do the Irish accent at me, all that stuff. I don’t consider myself easily offended by any means, but there’s a line, and every St. Patrick’s Day I find that I’m surrounded by people constantly crossing that line. What’s a way I can celebrate my heritage without being beholden to harmful stereotypes?
Ah, an Irishman, don’t steal me lucky charms! Hahahaha. I understand this dilemma regarding the holiday, as I, too, am of Irish descent (Scottish, if we’re being specific). It’s tricky, there are times when you might want to fly into a drunken rage against people, but just remember: those drunk people, all rowdy and violent, are just trying their best to imitate the Irish, and imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. I wouldn’t worry about it! Seriously, lighten up. I mean, what, you’ve never heard a joke before?
Q: I just moved to a new city and I’m looking to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t have any friends yet and my social anxiety is really bad. Is there a way I could celebrate St. Patrick’s Day solo alone in my apartment?
Of course there’s a way. In fact, there’s a methodology. As a former loner weirdo myself (I’ve since become normal), I’ve cultivated the perfect way to celebrate St. Patty’s Day solo.
Step One: It all starts with a signature cocktail, a drink I’ve personally named “Adam’s Delight.” This drink will set your sights for a fun and energetic day, so it’s best to drink it around 11:30 a.m. The recipe is as follows:
- 1 Medium Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s
- 2 Shots of Proper No. Twelve Irish Whiskey (a brand from Irish ambassador and humanitarian Conor McGregor)
- 2 Shots of crème de menthe
- Half a can of Red Bull
- Garnish with orange rinds
- Serve in Poco Grande glass
Step Two: The next step is simple. In between sips of remaining Adam’s Delight, do as many chin-ups as you can over the course of an hour while listening to the Dropkick Murphys song “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” on repeat. If there’s nowhere in your apartment to do chin-ups, push-ups will do.
Step Three: You’ll probably be tired from all the exercise, so now you need to re-up on energy. Irish coffee is your best friend, as it’s both caffeinated, but it also gets you drunk. Drink about four of these.
Step Four: Dinnertime. It’s well known that in Ireland, the only food they have is potatoes, so it’s time for a hearty meal. Mashed potatoes is the way to go, my friend. But here’s the fun twist: green food dye. A big pile of green mash will keep your energy up as you down drink after drink.
Step Five: You’re probably pretty drunk at this point, which will put you into the perfect headspace to thoroughly enjoy The Boondock Saints. While you’re watching, throw down another six or seven drinks.
Step Six: Embrace the mystery the night brings. As the sun goes down, and you’re maybe 13 drinks in or so, it’s time to finally conquer that social anxiety of yours. You’ve got this buddy! Head to your nearest bar and try your best to make some friends. You’re charming! Don’t sell yourself short! The next morning, you’ll wake up, maybe you’ll be the tiniest bit hungover, but all in all, you’ll be so proud of yourself for truly embracing the spirit of St. Patrick. And that, my lonesome friend, is how you do St. Patty’s Day solo.
