Adam Wallace answers various contributors’ questions about a crazy little thing called love
Adam Wallace (he/him) // Humour Editor
Andy Postilla (he/him) // Online Artwork
Q: Recently, my girlfriend moved to Toronto for university. While we still love each other very much, the distance between us is tough. Is there anything to do to make a long-distance relationship easier?
Ahh, a very classic question. I get this one all the time. You hear a lot of people advise against doing long distance, but it can absolutely work.
In our wonderful age of technology, we have the ability to keep track of where everyone is at any time, something that has transformed relationships for the better. What you need to do is be in constant communication with your girlfriend and consistently ask her to drop pins showing her exact location. Now, there’s a chance she could refuse, saying you’re being overbearing, but what I would say is this: what is she hiding from you? Your girlfriend is currently in the midst of meeting plenty of new people, and it’s difficult to imagine she wouldn’t have sexual chemistry with some of them. It’s not unfounded to assume she’s surrounded by people more attractive than you, smarter than you and richer than you who are all actively pursuing her sexually. Don’t panic! You can easily stop this by constantly reminding her that you exist.
Another tip I’ve found is, as opposed to lazily sending her nudes via the internet, get professional boudoir photographs taken of yourself, and send them to her in the mail. No woman can resist professional boudoir photography. All in all, good luck my friend!
Q: I was dating this girl and she ghosted me, then saw me in person and apologized. Then, she ghosted me again. We both go to CapU, so I’ll probably see her again. What should I do?
Now, this one’s tricky, but the Love Doctor has a solution! You see, it’s incredibly rare that someone is ghosted without cause. Perhaps your personality sucks. Perhaps, your face is simply ugly and it upsets her to look at you. Perhaps your body is gross. But there’s nothing you can do about that. But I do know what you can do.
See, you need to learn as much as you can about this girl without her noticing. While she may have ghosted you, you can be the ghost around her, watching her and seeing what she does, where she goes, etc.
Now, don’t contact her directly at first. Simply do some recon for later use. When you do finally come into contact with her again at a natural point, play it cool. You don’t even care about her ghosting you. It didn’t affect you in the slightest, but now you’re armed with knowledge of her that you can use for whatever purpose you see fit. If you want her to like you, you can use that knowledge to your advantage. Similarly, if you want to get back at her, you know her schedule now, and can much more easily frame her for a crime she didn’t commit. Either way, you come out on top!
Q: I fell in love with an American dude, but he won’t move to Canada and I’d never live in the U.S. What should I do?
Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you’re the one who’s going to have to compromise. I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to move to the United States, they’re obviously a superior country to Canada. Next question!
Q: I’m a communist and I fell for a dude that turned out to be in love with capitalism. Deal breaker, or is there hope?
Hmm. Now, I don’t want to get political here, but the obvious answer is that you need to stop being a communist. He’s right to be in love with capitalism. Capitalism is a beautiful thing! Without it, we would never have Jell-O, the Slap Chop, Funko Pops or the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Do you really want to live in a world without those things? Of course you don’t! So, my advice is to change. You’re clearly being suckered into a madhouse of political nonsense.
Q: I started dating this guy who said from the beginning that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but now he’s making lots of plans that seem like relationship behaviour to me. What should I do?
Now, this is a conundrum, but I do have some solid advice here: you need to test the waters. How, you might ask? Act a little unhinged. Break something important to him. Bring up the possibility of having a child with him. Lie to him and tell him you gave your co-worker a handjob the day after your first date. Ask him if he’d break up with you if you killed small animals. Tell him you were once sexually aroused after witnessing a bus crash. The answer to all your questions and more lay in his reactions.
