Capilano Courier gets its pinchers on this important hypothetical.
Kate Henderson (she/they) // Crew Writer
Andrei Gueco // Illustrator
It was a quaint day in the Nat and Flora Bosa Centre for Film and Animation. Sewing machines were clicking, cameras were rolling and an eight-legged army was approaching. The costuming students were the first to spot this increasing mass of crustaceans and rushed to tell the classes shooting in the studios. Unfortunately, the male film professors had ignored them, busy preaching to students how qualified they are to teach because they once met Quentin Tarantino. Other film students were rendered oblivious in the foley room. They were hitting spare rib bones on a large plank of wood to make SpongeBob character Mr. Krabs’ signature strut for their indie drama short film about being a soldier in WW1.
The first 50,000 crabs used brute force to breach the costuming rooms, with the costumers fleeing alongside the film students (without the male film professors as they kept preaching about their buddy Quentin to an empty studio). At this point, the other 50,000 crabs made it up the steps of the Bosa Building, 25,000 cascading to the vending machine, and the other 25,000 towards the Cinema Café. This is where the crabs discovered something monumental to their overtaking; the choice to use fake crab in the café sushi. None other than Judy stood her post, ready to serve the most customers the café had probably seen in its lifetime. And so, the crabs praised thee for saving their brothers. This was the end of day one, but only the beginning of the forever crab invasion.
P.S: The animation students technically discovered the crab invasion on day two, as they left Bosa at 3 a.m. the next day. This led to 1,000 crabs entering the elevator and getting stuck inside without a key card.
5 years later…
Peace. Harmony. Joy. It was another quaint day in the Crab and Crab Crab Crab of Film and Animation, and the Crab Café has never been better. The crabs assembled a throne for Judy out of (now useless) C-100s and Red cameras, with the menu items now limited to ground sea shells. Capilano University Residence had never seen this level of nutrition before. The vending machines are useless, as all of the snacks had holes poked in them on day one. The first-floor bathrooms are most useful in their routine flooding, offering ample moisture that all 100,000 crabs needed to survive. However, due to bathing in human shit, 20,000 crabs fell to disease in the Bosa first-floor bathrooms. This is when crabs saw not only a significant decline in population but also in the economy, with dining dollars (now commonly known as doubloons) dropping below the value of yen.
In the basement, the glass of the costuming building was rebuilt, but only to the height of the crabs. Certain cameras were rebuilt, including the Arri Alexa Mini, now known as the Arri Alexa Mini Mini Mini. Last but not least, the crabs proved better communicators than the old male professors of Bosa, as both populations proved to be highly crabby. With 80,000 crabs and Judy at the helm, the Crab Crab Crab of Film and Animation is as prosperous and fair as any society could ever hope to be.
