Behold, the oft-treasured list of runner-ups to Jay the Bluejay!
Kate Henderson (she/they) // Crew Writer
Ava Shahres (she/they) // Web Illustration
- Perry the Platypus Disney iHome Music System
From television’s Phineas and Ferb, Perry The Platypus, a beloved pet and secret agent (formerly known as Bartholomew). In these multitudes of identities, Perry maintains a strong sense of empathy and morals, which arguably makes him a better mascot than his non-sentient species competitor Jay the Bluejay. This is illustrated with Perry’s complex understanding of his nemesis Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Perry is sometimes fond of Doofenshmirtz personally, but understands how his dastardly pursuits can be harmful to the tri-state area.
This incarnation of Perry doubles as a rechargeable miniature speaker, meaning he could also provide a sound system in all of his mascot pursuits. A pet, a secret agent, and now a cyborg? Unfortunately, It has been illustrated in the hit film Phineas and Ferb: Across the Second Dimension that cyborg Perry lacks a moral compass, taking away his most desirable mascot feature and ultimately eliminating him from the race. Additionally, it was against multiple copyright laws.
- Ben Affleck
A two-time Oscar winner and sincere Dunkin’ Donuts advocate, Benjamin Affleck has been a perpetual underdog. While this attitude has fostered many friendships and a relentless team spirit, Affleck has had a rocky track record of romantic relationships, including divorces with multiple women named Jennifer. Capilano University does not believe in inflicting emotional turmoil on its limited but still important community of Jennifers, we love you Jennifers, you deserve love and stable relationships, Jennifers. However, it should be acknowledged how complicated these divorces are beyond the press— we aren’t entitled to understand the inner emotional dynamics of the personal relationships of others, even if they’re celebrities.
Unfortunately, the CapU administration still has not forgiven him for starring in the film Gigli, eliminating him from the running for mascot.
- Lefty (Hamburger Helper)
Lefty is a seasoned mascot, representing various different affordable lines of food kits. This expertise and value of accessible meals make Lefty meet the target demographic of university athletes. However, when Capilano University’s legal team investigated Lefty formally, it was found he has a history of defamation. This was drawn from an instance on October 16th, 2017 when Hamburger Helper released an image to Twitter, revealing the mascot to not actually be a hand, but a human with 4 arms. While this technically makes him more physically capable, Capilano University was appalled that Lefty did not communicate this information in his interview. Most hands can’t talk, Lefty. There is no excuse for this, talking hamburgerman.
- Pou (Virtual Pet Mobile Game Character)
Emerging during the Tamagotchi craze of the early 2000s, Pou was an innovative mobile version of a routine game. Pou’s official website describes him as an “alien pet,” consistently sporting new styles of clothes. One can only wonder how he acquires new styles so efficiently. A likely source for such a constant variety of new styles could be participation in fast fashion, which is not only environmentally harmful, but ethically questionable. Pou isn’t even poo, he isn’t even composting, but he’s supporting child labour?
If you think Pou’s questionable business stops there, you would be wrong. Pou further indulges in capitalism through an online merchandise store linked on his official website. When clicking on a link supposedly back to Pou’s original website from his online store, a web blocker detects said link could be “impersonating” Pou’s website. This lack of navigability could be an indication that Pou has more to hide; Pou didn’t even survive the background check by CapU.
- The Beatles
As the highest grossing artists of all time, it’s clear the Beatles have had an influence like no other musician throughout the 20th century. As a school that aims to help shape the creatives of the next generation, it is clear that any creative graduate from Capilano University should aspire to reach the Beatles level, and who better to showcase this than the Beatles themselves. On top of their pop culture dominance, as a collective they offer the best walking stride in comparison to all other mascot competitors; A little known fact about the Beatles is that they can assemble into a figure resembling a Deka Bakugan, making them more aerodynamic.
With the Beatles wild success in innumerable fields, they seemed to be the complete package. However, during the Beatles first Canadian concert (taking place at none other than the PNE), our current mascot Jay decided to attend. In an attempt to get the attention of Ringo (the cute one), Jay flew closer to the stage through the vigorous crowds, only to have John Lennon scream “Get the F*CK off our stage, nobody interrupts the Beatles!”. This is language no administration members could reasonably support. (not to mention the many offenses Lennon committed to women, minorities and children). Get the f*ck off Cap’s stage, Jay has the floor. Cah Caw! Mic drop.
