Adam Stothard (he/him) // Virtuosic Scientist
Maren Brophy (she/her) // Illustrator
I sit here, perfecting my diorama, and you have the gall to invade my ears with your jazzy-wazzy nonsense? Well I’m sick of it! You artsy fartsy music kids think you’re so tough merely because you push your stale breath through a compendium of pneumatic brass tubes. While I say this: Guffaw! You waste your time!
While you pollute your ears with a hodgepodge of cacophony, I, for one, am studying a subject that MATTERS. We science students are attempting to solve problems by asking the greatest and most profound questions known to this crazy blue marble we call earth. By god, we science people created the atomic bomb! By comparison, you music students do nothing but sit back and smoke your weed ganja, party it up with alcoholic beverages, and engage in lurid, thoughtless fornication. Har, I chortle at your naiveté! You shall never possess the knowledge of the cosmos that we true academics do.
Scientifically, there is only one acceptable volume of music: silence, thus to not damage the hearing system of the human body. Why doest thou create damage known as “Tinnitus” in thine fellow pupils eardrums? My theory is it is because you are all philistines hellbent on ignoring reason and logic. I subsequently inquire: who are your heroes? Jonathan “John” Lennon? James “Jim” Morrison? Stephen “Stevie” Wonder? Well if they’re so smart, why are they all dead from DRUGS? Hopefully, we scientists are able to finally defeat you hippy-dippy beatniks with the advancement of utilizing science to outsmart you.
You see, we scientists have been working for years on a way to push you bohemians out of the way of the advancement of the human race. Artificial intelligence is coming to finally put an end to your substratal ways and pave the way for a new great society. A society devoid of crude animalistic noise, where everything makes sense and there’s no wasting our precious time. Let me describe the beautiful world of the future for you carnal noisemakers:
- No more need for consumers to digest the creations of others, every piece of art will now be 100% democratic.
- Fan of music? Create a song in any style with the click of a button. This will save economic waste that consumer bases will appreciate.
- Fan of movies? Create any movie of any genre starring any actor you wish with the click of a button. No more watching what you yourself wouldn’t imagine to create.
- Between shifts, everyone shall enjoy A.I entertainment designed specifically for your own consumption for comprehensive dopamine stimulation.
- With unimpeded scientific progress, lifespans will now be circa 170 years.
Now, do you understand what sort of progress you are impeding with your frivolous tintinnabulation? It’s time for you perfidious ignorami to finally grasp that your musical proficiency is a mere blip in the grand scheme of what we, the genius class, have in store for our future.
