You think you don’t want to know us, and you might be right. Regardless, meet our eligible Courier staff as they appear in the eyes of their co-workers.
ADDRESS ANNALISSE
Megan Orr, Opinions Editor
Meet Annalisse – that’s with two n’s and two s’s, DON’T spell it wrong! This small and spunky lil’ chihuahua can skateboard, smoke and can drink with the guys – but don’t underestimate her academically! She’s probably smarter than you.
She’s also not afraid to say what she thinks, so if you’re looking for someone who will just listen to you, Annalisse is definitely not your girl. That being said, if you happen to be tall, funny, handsome, smart and generally perfect in every way, she would love to call you her partner in crime – romantically, that is. Not real crime… she stopped doing that a little while ago. That being said, if you aren’t perfect, but aren’t against the idea of a shotgun wedding that will magically give this unaccented Kiwi a VISA, she may want you to hit her up for a good time. But whatever, she doesn’t really care.
SAY HOLA TO SHEILA
Christine Beyleveldt, Editor-in-Chief
Our quiet new addition to the team will be buzzing like a bee if you treat her to a cup of caffeine, and if you drop the language of love in her ear, all the better. Sheila claims she tries to keep her pride in her Mexican heritage lowkey around her Canadian friends but utter a few words of sultry Spanish to this little chili pepper and not only will that guise melt away, she might be your Querida.
Have you ever wanted your girlfriend to play Dungeons and Dragons with your bros? Then you’ve found your woman, although she’d be just as happy curled up on the couch with a good book. If you want to see her get excited, and I mean really excited, check out her YouTube channel (you read that right) for her book reviews. Now I know what you may be thinking – fantasy novels are for children. Don’t be fooled by her quiet demeanour though, Sheila is feisty and can dance the night away to a rhumba or salsa, and you definitely won’t be able to keep up. But you might find yourself asking how to soothe a fiery soul – especially if you question her choice of reading material? The short answer is chocolate, and lots of it. Say “hola” to find out more.
MEET MEGAN
Ashleigh Brink, Copy Editor
Megan lowkey hates almost everything – but she might just like you. Maybe. Well, to be totally honest, probably not. Don’t get your hopes up.
Well suited to her Opinions Editor role, Megan loves to complain (especially about the weather, so you’ll never have to worry about making small talk). She also loves dogs and exploring everything Vancouver has to offer. She can probably outdrink you and will never hesitate to call you out on your bullshit.
Her hobbies include trying new things (mostly so she can complain about them), going outside (before remembering she doesn’t actually want to be outside) and reminiscing about how much she hates Calgary (eww, Calgary). The one thing she does love is trying new types of beer, and of course, posting them online after. But lately the Whole30 thing has put a stop to that (wait, is that over yet?).
Oh, and don’t worry, she only posts pictures of beer and dogs on her Instagram so you won’t be the guy behind the post who took 40 pictures of her. Call Megan if you love to hate (and if you enjoy parentheses).
CALL CHRISTINE
Freya Wasteneys, Features Editor
Christine may be the resident Disney princess of the Courier Office, but she has no problem with sweeping a man off his feet – it is 20-muthahflippin’-19, after all. Granted, she’ll likely do it accidentally as she sweeps across a ballroom in her purple silk gown (if you’ve tripped on her lengthy train on the way to the little boy’s room, that’s a YOU problem).
But let’s not get too caught up in the details of how you’ll fall for her… the point is, you will. Whether it’s the mirthless cackle as she forces you to watch short horror film, <i>Socket<i>, or her incessant need to add cymbal crashes to every homemade film (regardless of whether or not it’s appropriate), it’s hard not to be enchanted by this modern-day, out-of-tune reincarnation of Cinderella.
The only thing she loves more than glamour is… well, grammar. So if you like saying things like “whom are you going to call?” instead of “who ya gonna call?” then this Ghostbuster might just be for you.
Christine is looking for a Mama Mia Young Bill lookalike, so if you fit the (OMG) bill – call her.
No seriously.
FIND FREYA
Rachel D’Sa, Columns Editor
First off, good luck trying to get a hold of Freya – she’s hardly ever in an area with reception. She’s one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet, and by that we mean that her face can often be found, literally, in the dirt. Over time you’ll get the vibe that she should’ve been born as some sort of nature element like snow or a plant. By definition, her Scandinavian name means “lady”, but she really should’ve been named “tree”, or the Scandinavian equivalent of “tree”.
Freya spends her time tree planting, skiing, running, beating fastest known times, mountain biking, hiking, trail running and hanging out with friends where she’ll inconspicuously walk at a slightly increased pace to make them feel out of shape.
This nature-loving athlete will make you sweat. Coffee date? You mean a jog? Beachside dinner? You better mean a beachside jog? A jog? You mean a weekend triathlon? It’s only just a little bit annoying that she’s so swift and more athletic than you. After one date you’ll probably find yourself muttering “are you kidding me” as you wheeze getting into your ice bath.
You won’t be able to “find her” on a typical Saturday night, she’s probably still planting trees somewhere a lot cooler than wherever you consider to be cool. But maybe she’ll let you into her world, just don’t trip on her outdoor gear – her bedroom looks like the inside of a MEC. There’s just no guarantee that she’ll love you more than her Garmin watch… or trees.
GREET GRETA
Freya Wasteneys, Features Editor
It’s hard not to be seduced by Greta, afterall, she will be the first to tell you that she has “honey for days.” But don’t be mistaken by this seemingly sweet claim – despite being a Swede, she’s a little more akin to the Swedish House Mafia than she is to the Hurdy Gurdy Swedish Chef. So, if you’re looking for a woman to cook you a home cooked meal – run. Greta is an outspoken kiddie menu advocate and will eat variations of bread and cheese every day because she wants to, god damn it. Don’t get her started on vegetables.
Keys to her heart include Sephora gift cards, French braids and everything bagels with cream cheese from Tim Hortons. And please don’t hug her, because she would rather you didn’t and there’s nothing wrong with that. You may think that you can serenade her with ABBA just because of her heritage, but if that’s your thing you should probably see Christine’s dating profile. Instead, serenade her with your controversy theories and promise of free coffee.
Just don’t stick your hand in her purse. That’s where she keeps her stolen honey packets. Call this fake number that she gave us for a good time: 123-456-7890
REACH OUT TO RACHEL
Annalisse Crosswell, Associate News Editor
Boys be warned… this is the legendary Rachel 25K D’Sa before you (and that’s just the number of right swipes she garnered from the Vancouver catchment area, not including the fish she caught in her Tinder net out in Toronto).
If you walk into the Courier office on a Tuesday you’ll see Rachel, our resident DJ, playing tunes and making our pitch board look fabulous with her doodles. Don’t be fooled by her extraverted confidence though, this feminine punk aesthetic chicka spends most of her time lurking underneath a desk to avoid socializing.
When she’s not doing something super hip, or astounding her coworkers with her karaoke skills, you can find her contemplating her Honda CBR250R (which in the common tongue is known as a motorcycle). She may have never changed the oil, but claims she knows all about how to if need be. If a girl riding a motorbike is too much for your ego then maybe look elsewhere, but if that’s your thing keep in mind she has a habit of letting her license laps so 20 per cent of your date will be spent on public transit.
And if you need a romantic soundtrack to your date don’t hesitate to play some Indigo Indigo to her (she won’t find it weird that your playing her own music at all). And, remember, she’s got that feisty Italian blood running through her so keep that in mind before you take this somewhat sarcastic advice.
ALOHA TO ASHLEIGH
Christine Beyleveldt, Editor-in-Chief
Our resident dry wit Ashleigh may be obscenely tall, but that just another was of saying, “built like a Goddess”, right?
She can shuck a crab’s shell open a lot faster than you can, and isn’t afraid to get messy doing it. You see, by day she works the web from the couch in her pyjamas, by night she’s chasing your seafood dinner around the kitchen sink with a knife down at the local Crab Shack. Hit her up anytime, just not while she’s there.
Unlike most of the prissy Millennial 20-something girls in the office, Ashleigh doesn’t settle for jokes about The Office. In fact, she doesn’t make many jokes, but keep a sharp wit about you, because if you set a toe out of line she’ll be there in a flash with a witty retort and you’ll blush like a ripe peach. Although she says it’s usually her awkward ass going red-faced, especially after cocktail happy hour. If you want to get to know this girl, your best chance is after a drink. We just hope your sense of humour is as dry as hers.
