VAMPIRE VAMPENISES My Mom Wants Me to Date Edward Cullen

In an era where the 'tween' demographic is targeted directly by mainstream entertainment without much focus on parental values, Kaija Kinney and her daughter have recently bonded over the same Twilight book, Twilight movie, and now the same Twilight moral values. The appeal that the Twilight series has to both mothers and daughters is a great reason for its success.  Unlike
the similar Vampire stories,  Sookie Stakehouse or Vampire Diaries Series', Twilight has transitioned with ease from tweens to moms and this may be due in large part to its advocating of male chivalry a - quality both mothers and daughters can admire. But while moms may view the male character as an ideal boyfriend, their focus should be redirected on whether Bella makes a good role model for their daughters.

The reason for the unprecedented success of the series among tweens and moms could be due to the fact that Edward and Bella have a relationship built on sexual tension and abstinence, with Edward being portrayed as the ideal boyfriend. Edward is characterized as a genteel vampire; one who not only dates the girl whose blood sings to him, but refuses to allow her to seduce him. He is always being quoted as telling Bella that she is "testing [his] control" while she crawls onto his lap or starts kissing him. "Edward had drawn many careful lines in our physical relationship, with the intent of keeping me alive. Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor sharp, venom coated teeth, I tended to forget about trivial things like that when he was kissing me." Even when Edward is presented in situations where lust should take over, as they would with almost any other teenage boy, his unusual ability to restrain himself is something that appeals to moms on two separate levels.

On the surface, Edward is strictly creating these boundaries to keep Bella alive. This s characterizes  him as a protective selfless boyfriend. Regardless of a woman's age, having a man that wants to protect and care for you is something many women want. Having said that, Meyer's ability to create such intense sexual tension without ever referring to anything deeper than kissing
allows mothers to admire Edward for his self repression, leading them to believe that, even though Edward is a Vampire, he is still a great example of who they would want their daughters to be dating. One such Twilight fan, Kaija Kinney, summed it up for me as: "even though Edward is a vampire, he has a lot of the qualities that I would want my daughter to date. He's got chivalry." And the chivalrous males of Twilight are what mothers and daughters, like Kinney and her daughter, can admire together.

 The books represent old fashioned values and ideals that have been lost in marketing of Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus as role models, and it doesn't hurt that the protagonist of the novels is a golden haired, extremely pale young man whose body is like a roman sculpture. Teen girls getting drunk
and having sex with a random guy after reading about a vampire who can
keep it in his pants until he marries the love of his life seems a lot less likely - at least this is the illusion of hope Mothers can feel after reading New Moon.

Even with Edward's redeeming qualities there are some very deep issues with the relationship that Bella and Edward have, and the mom's who would so quickly fall into the "twi-hard" phase with their daughters should think again.

Bella is clearly head over heels in love with Edward, and while Meyer attempts to have their relationship come across as one of intense and everlasting love, she has a tendency to make Edward seem slightly emotionally abusive and Bella incredibly weak with low self esteem. Dr. Cara Zaskow, a psychology professor at Capilano, weighed in, "[Bella's] place within the relationship is unhealthy; she's lost herself within the relationship." Always making herself out to be a plain Jane and describing Edward to have God-like looks and abilities, Bella gives young girls the opposite of what mothers love when they look at Edward. So while moms may love that Edward is the daughters-boyfriend of their dreams, it is worrisome that they (and young women for this matter) look at Bella as the heroine of this series and as a role model. She not only throws herself at Edward time and again, but she will put up with his brooding moods and his silent treatments towards her.

"By the end of the day, the silence was becoming ridiculous. I didn't want to be the one to break it, but apparently that was my only choice if I ever wanted him to talk to me again." This quote occurs after Bella cuts her arm at her birthday party and Edward's brother Jasper nearly attacks her. For the next two days, Edward hardly speaks to her and while he tells her afterwards that it's not her fault for Jasper's reaction, giving Bella the silent treatment was the wrong thing to do. This is just one time in the book where Edward pulls a passive aggressive tendency out towards Bella. In this situation, she eventually speaks up, but only because she is addicted to the attention he gives to her, not because she has self respect and plans on telling him this is the wrong approach to conflict. How any mother could choose to have this as a role model for their daughter, or even just a beloved character in a book is beyond comprehension; "as a parent that would concern me." Dr. Zaskow said, regarding Bella's role in young women's lives.

After Edward breaks up with Bella later on in the chapter, she becomes cathartic, "zombie" like almost and goes to extremes in order to hallucinate hearing Edward's voice. The only times in New Moon that Bella seems to feel happy is when she is either jumping off of a cliff, learning how to ride a motorcycle, or is being held in Edwards arms. Until the second last chapter of the book, the relationship between Edward and Bella is one in which she
consistently never feels good enough to be with him.

The girls reading these books are super impressionable for the most part, and it is worrisome that Meyer would write two out of four books in the twilight series in which Bella is portrayed as weak and full of doubt. Dr. Zaskow was quick, and quite right, to suggest that "rather than looking at the ideal [that Edward portrays] because of the sexual abstinence, [we should] look at the problem here [which] is when people lose their self identity within a relationship," and the role that the Twilight Series has in
promoting these relationships.

// Nicole Mucci

Writer

FROM THE EDITOR TWILIGHT FOR THE DIMS

It’s 2005. My girlfriend’s little sister, Andrea, shows me a dictionary sized book – shouldn’t she be watching T.V? “It’s Twilight,” she informs me. Unfamiliar with the title, I am impressed that it’s not another goddamn Harry Potter addition (i.e Harry Potter and the Cabalistic Lizard). Judging the book by its stark black hard-cover, as opposed to a Harry cartoon, and deducing that ‘anything is better than pubescent wizards,’ I congratulate her on exploring something more mature.

Flash-forward $382 million dollars later-and I think I missed something. “The vampires are vegetarian,” Andrea explains to me. “It promotes virginity,” Nicole, one of our writers, adds. The number of teenagers asked was indirectly proportional to my perspicuity. I could only conclude that teenagers couldn't articulate why they liked it, as the most common answer was reduced to totalitarian logic: “I like it because I like it.”  Despite Twilight's merits, whatever they may be, it was clear that the teens I was interviewing weren't book critics - they were merely exploring the teen-culture directed towards them through savvy marketing.

My conclusion can ascribe to any new teen fad. Whether it be Twilight, promise rings, or One Tree Hill, teens can’t explain why they like certain trends because they themselves are trying to figure it out too. Scientifically, teens cannot weigh proper outcomes, form judgements or control their emotions as well as adults can because they lack a fully developed prefrontal cortex. According to a 2006 study published in Nature by Kendall Powell, the prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop in a teenager’s mind, and so while they may look like a 20-something, they are missing a key element to plain rationality. Yes, experiences vary and are a contributing factor. But a study conducted in 2007 by Richard Monastersky found that teenage brains aren’t wired as well as adults to even notice the errors they make in their decisions.

So do I sympathize with teens? How could I not? I’m just as guilty of watching Saved by the Bell after a good game of Pogs while wearing a faux-hawk. I had trouble distinguishing what was sophisticated from the generic. I’d listen to both “Smells like Teen Spirit” and “Teenage Dirtbag” and read both Hardy Boys Adventures alongside Machiavelli’s The Prince. I eventually grew to tell the difference between what was quality work and what wasn’t, but now it’s a new generation’s turn to figure out high-culture. And the Courier has decided to delve right into the teen mind and explore their culture to help them figure it all out.

Inside, you’ll find that Niccole Mucci deconstructs what the Twilight series really says about modern teenage relationships. Marco Ferriera tries to understand the sweet sounds of the teen-favourite band, Stereos, but utterly fails due to something called taste. And Mac Fairbain explores the new underground culture of kids who smoke as they steal their grandmother cars, drive them into other cars, and enjoy the entire joyride at the cost of losing their Xbox privileges for the weekend... Maybe that last kid was missing more than just the prefrontal cortex.

//Alamir Novin

VOICEBOX

This is the last Voicebox of 2009. But don't worry, you can still
voice your opinion over the holiday break by emailing   voicebox@capilanocourier.com, or calling (604) 984-4949, extension 5. We hope to come back in January to overflowing inboxes. Good luck!


“Being sober at school is amazing. I think we glorify this whole
notion of partying. I'm not saying it's bad... I think some people can't
handle it so they have to go a different way. But I think you're able
to appreciate love and life and passion and be kinder to people when
youre not in this little fantasy land. You're able to see things a little
clearer. You can see people for who they are, instead of this persona
you've constructed for yourself.”

[You can do it, brotherman. -Giles]


“Sky Hester is a P-I-M-P. He can get any girl he wants in the sack.
Thank you.”



“Stop buying BLT's, because Criss Angel doesn't like it. He doesn't
like making them, he's sick of making them, he told me.”

[I've heard conflicting reports about whether he likes making them.
Sorry, guy, they're just really good. -Giles]



“I hate when I've been waiting in line for the microwave for ten
minutes and someone thinks they're good enough to just go in front and
put their stuff in before me!”


“People listen to this crap music, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera,
you know what I'm talking about. They don't even know the greats. Fred
Astaire, Frank Sinatra. Learn the good before you listen to the crap!”

[Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera? Um, it is 2009, hello! -Giles]


“I saw this guy wearing a jacket that said-it was like a really
nice winter coat-and it said 'The Bartenders Guild' on it, and I thought,
that's funny, you know, the bartenders guild, does that exist? Like,
is that real? Does that exist? Is there a guild of bartenders? I thought
about it too, and they have baristas, which is a funny word for coffeemaker,
and I thought, you know, hey, barista and bartender, they do pretty
well the same thing. They make the same variety of drinks and everything,
but one has alcohol. And one is romanticized just simply because alcohol
is involved. And they get paid like five times as much money. And one
makes 8 bucks an hour and one makes 40 dollars an hour. Just because
alcohol's involved. Isn't that funny, you know?”


[Yes. -Giles]






Point of Retraction:


In last week's article by Max Mackay, “Caf Conflict Concludes in Anticlimax”, a point of clarification is necessary. The lede line quotes Shaun Stewart as saying: “I was right in his face and I insulted him.” In fact, this quote misrepresented the context of Stewart's conversation with Dan Traviss, Aramark representative. Stewart clarified that he had spoken to Traviss twice in a short period of time and Traviss appeared to take offense at his persistent line of questioning. While the quote appears to reflect a gloating attitude towards this exchange by Stewart, he did not actually insult anyone, rather, out of concern for clear conversation and a minimum of conflict, he took his argument about Aramark's lower disability shelf to a higher channel.



Kevin Murray

Editor

GIVING HIS HEART, LOSING HIS HOME The real story behind Capilano’s community based tourism project

Instead of staying at home to work this summer, three Capilano students decided to work on a tourism program in Paraguay. From June 31 to July 21 this year, Matthew Bakker, Jacob Butler, and Vanessa Ramsden took part in the final year of the community based tourism project Capilano started there four years ago.

The University has been involved in international community based tourism since 2002, when a program was started up in Vietnam with the goals of increasing the benefits of tourism in rural areas while minimizing the social and environmental impacts.

According to Chris Bottrill, the Dean of the Tourism Program, the goals are virtually the same in Paraguay. “We apply a great deal of energy to these programs,” said Botrill. “We don’t just do the job and then leave, but we maintain a relationship with the communities.”

After the program wraps up in Paraguay this year, there will be no current overseas tourism partnerships, but Botrill is in the process of setting up the next one. “These programs are so beneficial that we really want to keep carrying them out,” Botrill said.

According to Matthew Bakker, the program is indeed very rewarding.

“We were working 14 hours a day and giving a lot of time and effort,” Bakker said, “But no matter how much we gave, the people there kept giving more.”

The program is formatted in such a way that the first year is all about developing and refining tourism programs, and the students in proceeding years help bring the community together as a cohesive unit in order to form tourism circuits.

As a team, the students would go into rural areas of Paraguay and start promoting tourism programs, or become involved working alongside programs that had already started. They would often join with Cap professors or local professors and help teach the community courses on how to carry out effective tourism programs.

“We focused on increasing capacity through education,” said Bakker. From there, the local people were able to develop their product by creating new buildings and making the landscape more attractive to tourists.

Bakker said that the dedication of the people there was the most inspiring.

“The warmth and gratitude of the people in the community reinvigorated me,” Bakker said.

One of the friendliest people Bakker encountered during the program was Lou Villalba, a man who was born in Paraguay, but has since moved to Canada and become a professor at Capilano University. According to Bakker, Villalba held the program together in Paraguay. He started courses to educate the local people about tourism, and enabled them to take charge of their own situation.

“It was incredible to see how much he put into this project,” Bakker said, “He would work non-stop from 7 am to 11 pm everyday to ensure it was going well.”

Unfortunately, after returning to Canada, Villalba lost something very precious – his home. According to Bakker, Villalba’s house burned down last week, and his wife and child very narrowly escaped going down with it – although you would never know it by looking at him.

“It’s unbelievable,” Bakker said. “He’s just lost his home, yet he wanders around smiling and laughing.”

The house insurance Villalba had did not cover the damages, so Bakker, along with Vanessa Ramsden and Jacob Butler, has decided to try and help out Villalba anyway he can.

“We’re trying to raise money so he can have a home again,” Bakker said. “After all, it’s the least we can do.”

Even though it isn’t in Paraguay, community based projects carry on. Perhaps the most incredible aspect of Cap’s tourism project is how it has inspired students to care for their community – right here on campus.

If you would like to help fundraise or help in another way to get Lou Villalba back home, please contact Matthew Bakker at csuenv@capilanou.ca

//Krissi Bucholtz

Writer

GOING HUNGRY FOR HOUSING Capilano students join national hunger strike campaign

Capilano students are taking a stand on the Canadian homelessness crisis – and simultaneously committing themselves to surviving solely on juice for an entire week.

Through the Capilano Student Union (CSU) Social Justice Committee (SJC), students took a pledge from November 15-22 to fast for a week as part of the 2010 Homelessness Hunger Strike Relay, a campaign that began in Vancouver on December 29, 2008.

Every week, new volunteers take on the symbolic Wooden Spoon and then begin a juice fast for seven days. Hunger strikes traditionally have been done with Indian and Irish roots, as a way to reflect outrage, Johal says.

The relay will continue until June 2010, at which point people will travel on a train over to Ottawa to deliver the petition to the federal government, in commemoration of the On-to-Ottawa Trek.

“It is an opportunity to have these conversations about the need for social housing,” says Am Johal, founder of the campaign and current Chair of the 2010 Homelessness Hunger Stirke Relay Advisory Committee.

The purpose of the campaign is to push for the re-establishment of a national housing program in Canada, based on the One Percent Solution. This concept, launched in 1998, demands that provincial, territorial, and municipal governments re-commit to housing programs by re-establishing housing spending. “In the mid-90s, governments spent about one percent of their budgets on housing,” says the Toronto Disaster Relive Committee on their website. “Since then, governments have made substantial housing cuts.” 

At present, Canada is the only Organization for the Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) country without a national housing program, says Johal.

At present, a wide range of volunteers have participated in the campaign, including activists, university professors, photojournalists, and moms and dads. Capilano’s SJC is the latest addition to the growing list of participants.

“Our committee sees this as an opportunity to reach people who are otherwise not open to our opinions on the homeless situation in our city,” says Richard McCrae, chair of the Social Justice Committee. “When people see that you are making a sacrifice for what you believe in, they will immediately become more receptive. “

Participants, too, feel that it is a worthwhile cause.

“It’s for a good cause and I have people supporting me,” says Teresa Grant, a first-year Global Stewardship student. “I wanted to prove to myself that I’m willing to commit to something that’s more than just verbal action. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.”

The hardest part, she says, is not the hunger but the “non-satisfaction of everything you drink.”

“It’s meant to be done in solidarity with people who are homeless,” says Johal, to give us “some sense of what it’s like.”

Grant also says that it’s hard to watch other people eat, “especially when [she] came home to this steaming, crispy garlic bread sitting on [her] stove.”

Students participating in the campaign wore striking black t-shirts that read, “DO NOT FEED THE STUDENT” as a means to promote their cause.

The campaign at Capilano, interestingly, got mixed reviews.

Carolyn Ramer, a student at Cap, noted that, “It didn’t really make me care. I still feel the same way about homelessness as I did before. It didn’t really change my cognitive map.”

Meegan Konias, another student, says, “I’m inspired by the people who were able to sacrifice food for a week for their cause. I think that’s pretty dedicated.”

“It feels trivial to give up food for a week when we know that’ll be able to eat this coming Sunday – especially when so much good can come of it,” says McCrae.

“We feel like this [the campaign] gives us a great opportunity to dispel some myths and stereotypes of the homeless, “ says McCrae.

Grant has one wish for the success of the campaign: “I hope that Capailano students will become aware of the issue and realize that we are very serious about it.”

For more information on the campaign for a National Housing Program, visit www.2010homelessness.ca/joinus.

// Samantha Thompson

Writer

JUST A 'THOUGHT' FOR IDEA STUDENTS New CSU position created

A new student position has been developed within the Capilano Students' Union for a Membership Outreach Assistant. The position is creative and well suited for a graphic design student interested in expanding their portfolio and participating in CSU functions and activities.

The position was created with Capilano’s design student in mind, particularly those in the IDEA program. Duties will include assisting permanent employees with the production of CSU Election campaign material, publishing the Students' Union Newsletter, and promoting CSU Clubs and Club activities.

To carry out the day-to-day activities within the school, the Capilano Students' Union employs Project Employees. PE's differ from the Executives, as Executives are voted into the Students Union. PE's are hired and paid an hourly wage. The executives, such as the Queer Students Liaison and Educational Issues Coordinator, are responsible for holding CSU sponsored events for their respective committees. They rely on Project Employees to help with the practical design and production of newsletters and other promotional material. The CSU also hosts Orientation/Welcome Back as well as a Used Book Sale, and help is needed with the promotional material for both events.

The Assistant would be a Project Employee for a one-year term and would receive the standard student employee rate of pay plus an additional two dollars per hour. The commitment required for this job is 16.5 hours a week, covered over three days. A potential candidate would be needed for five and a half hours a day, and the days are set to a mutually agreeable schedule. The hired candidate would also be needed from mid-August through mid-May.

Employment on campus is limited, but it provides an opportunity for a young design student to have their work used at Capilano University. Just as the University newspaper requires student writers to publish the weekly newspaper, the Student Union needs upcoming designers to add to the visual representation of the CSU.

Another aspect of this position is planning the content and selling advertisement space in the Student Handbook. A person in this area would be dealing with the public and creating marketable space that will be sold to businesses. This opportunity gives students an introduction into advertising and practical business experience. Students not previously in business programs may find an interest in one of the various aspects of the Capilano Student Union.

The Student Union is currently working out all the details in the proposed job offer and are expected to open the position in January 2010.

//Andrew Kirkpatrick

Writer

KIDS TODAY Are dangerous and bad at grammar

 

Old people, for generations, have instinctively been afraid of anyone who falls in the age range of thirteen to nineteen. Several recent events, however, have left many old people confused about who to really be afraid of, and most shockingly, have even caused many teenagers to go public with fears for their own safety.

Twids. They are half-child, half-tween, and according to grade ten Argyle student Steven Longpole, they are out of control. “It’s scary. You see these kids coming down Mountain Highway and you just want to walk to the other side of the street. They’re always in groups. It’s very intimidating. I know a few friends who have been jumped by them.”

Longpole also notes that since these children started hanging out in front of his local corner store he no longer has anywhere to smoke cigarettes. “I’m afraid to even walk by the store,” he says, also mentioning that he now has “nowhere to steal chips.”

What is even more disturbing for teens like Longpole is that many of these children are, in turn, having their own children. Take, for instance, four foot tall Alfie Patten, a now world-famous thirteen-year-old British schoolboy, who became a father last February when his girlfriend Chantelle gave birth to daughter Maisie. When asked how he would support the child, Alfie was unsure, although later mentioned, “my dad sometimes gives me £10.”

Despite this strong show of support from Alfie, it was later revealed that Chantelle had slept with “at least five other lads” and that the baby was not his. Even so, it is worrying to think about how a thirteen year old would support a child. Longpole worries that “it takes a long time to get a World of Warcraft character up to a high enough level to sell and many of these kids don’t have the discipline for MMORPG’s that we did when we were younger. I’m afraid they’ll become even more dangerous, turning to crime to feed their families.”

Unfortunately, the most dangerous twids are not the ones desperate to support their families; in reality, the most treacherous ones are those that do these wild things for fun.

In April 2008, one particularly shocking case made news around the world. Latarian Milton, a seven-year-old Palm Beach Gardens, Florida native, stole his grandmother’s car and went on a joyride that involved hitting multiple mailboxes and several parked and moving cars. His destructive journey ended only after the car hopped the curb and crashed into a sign.

When questioned, Latarian said: “I took my grandma car because I got mad at my mom. And then I saw my friend and he come in, and he smokes with cigarettes.” When questioned by a reporter if he knew his actions were wrong, Latarian replied, “Yes, but I wanted to do hoodrat things for my friend. I wanna do it ‘cause it’s fun. It’s fun to do bad things. Drive into a car.”

Despite these chilling events, Vancouver child services worker Leandra Levingson-Gould says that teenagers like Longpole should not be afraid, citing that these are two highly extreme cases, and that Latarian faced “terrible, terrible, repercussions” for his actions, citing Latarian himself, who declared he wasn’t allowed “no video games for a whole weekend.” She also points to the Yahoo! Answers forum, where many fantastic parents can ask pretty much anyone for advice on how to raise their children. Levingson-Gould points to one question on the website that reads: “My son got 2 Fs on his report Crd the other grades wer good. Should I take his cell phone away?” This, she says, “shows that people are effectively using communal parenting, which is what lemurs do.”

Time will tell if Levingson-Gould is correct, yet many teenagers are hedging their bets. Longpole for one remains unconvinced, and maintains that he’ll still be extremely wary of anyone who “looks younger than him” or acts remotely “suspicious.”

//Mac Fairbairn

Writer

COOK AND WALKER The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Young women are eating this stuff up, and disgruntled boyfriends are being unwillingly dragged into the cinema. The Twilight saga, beginning as a series of books, and now being adapted into successful blockbuster movies, has risen as one of the central preoccupations of our culture. Is this phenomenon founded, or is it a collective misstep by a society seeking popcorn-escape by any means necessary?

Cook on Vampire Mythology

From Bram Stoker to Anne Rice to Joss Whedon, vampirism in fiction has been an interesting way of exploring our deepest and darkest desires. Representing our sexual temptations and animalistic qualities, it has captivated readers and viewers for years. Within the universe of Twilight, Stephanie Meyer has stripped down the mythos until there is damn near nothing left. I’m all for changing the rules, and playing with the traditions in order to serve an artistic purpose, but Twilight makes no effort to do so. Instead of making the female heroine of the series someone in dire conflict with the threat of giving in to becoming a vampire, the fantastical elements are artless and irrelevant. What we are left with is a whining teenage girl with no real thoughts or feelings. I respect young women too much to think that this is an adequate articulation of their issues. I also respect the other work within the genre too much to think Twilight merits the use of vampirism as a device. Best to watch True Blood, or better yet, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, both of which act as antidotes to this trite excuse for entertainment.

Walker on Narrative

Nothing really happens in New Moon. The narrative is structured as an exploration of the static qualities of emotion, which tends to match the minds of its characters, and yet, director Chris Weitz finds a way to turn negative aspects as an entry point for his audience. When he does make an attempt at narrative, it tends to recall Michael Bay’s Post-War masterpiece, Pearl Harbor. Yet Weitz can take his characters and audience through an experience more cathartic than his intellectual colleague, Mr. Bay, through a narrative that is stunningly relevant. Instead of CGI-Fighter jets, we get CGI-Wolves employed with no purpose other than fulfilling required action beats. At times these Wolves provide a more complex and nuanced performance than that of their human counterparts.

Cook on The Cast

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison have become big stars with the success of this mega franchise. Both, however, are utterly uninteresting within New Moon. Kristen Stewart spends the duration of the film looking bored and even distracted. This is primarily the fault of the screenplay and director, who give her nothing to work with. Stewart has proven herself as a considerable talent with her work in Into the Wild and Adventureland. It is a shame that she is now stuck within the confines of Hollywood, but I’ll holdout in hope of a bright career. Through interviews, Pattison has conveyed that he may be more than just another heartthrob, but he plays Edward as a one-note character, that mostly just seems confused and dim. What happened to vampires being frightening? Apparently now they are just harmless emo crybabies. Don’t get me started on Taylor Lautner, who most likely nailed the part when he entered the audition room shirtless, never having to prove he could deliver lines with any semblance of authenticity. Which he can’t.

Walker on Mise en scène

New Moon reverberates with a sense of big budget, Hollywood sincerity. Despite Weitz’s implications that New Moon is not a passion project, the direction is effortless. He perfectly summarizes modern day emotional obstructions with his teenage subjects, whom perform under circumstances of nothingness. These performances assist the atmosphere to becoming a kind of poetic stasis that serves as the trajectory for the audience’s experience. The Vanity Fair-esque beauty, which is littered through the film, never once expires until the most transcendental moment of the film, which appears in the form of the end credits, which are typed in a bold and crisp font, which match the livelihood of the film’s subjects.

Conclusion

Twilight is an indictment of our culture. Studios have realized that they’ve clicked into a demographic that has no interest in quality or sincerity. They’ve come to a point where their attempt at quality and impressive special effects has been compromised simply due to the success the Twilight franchise is guaranteed. Even the audience’s receptions of the two films have been condescending and generous. Yet, In spite of the audience’s awareness of being cheated, they persist. Next year we can expect another entry into this anthology of cinematic narcissism, and once again audiences will line up, proving to be as vapid as the film itself.

Cook’s Rating 0.5/5

Walker’s Rating 0.5/5

//Adam Cook and Curt Walker

Writers

YOU KIDS AND YOUR DARNED MUSIC! Wishing Stereos would "disband"

What's wrong with you kids today? I'm starting to feel disconnected from your generation's music sooner than I would have liked to. How is an old man supposed to feign youthfulness when all you tweens and teenyboppers listen to is stinking, putrid tripe?

Don't believe me? Take Stereos, a band discovered and shaped on MuchMusic reality television series Disband. Greig Nori, onetime lead singer of Canadian rock band Treble Charger, acts as the shows featured "guru". Bad taste, but good at his job, as Stereos was signed to Universal Canada. The band's first single debuted at number two on the Canadian Hot 100. Depressing. On Disband, this is how Stereos introduce themselves:

"I'm pat, the lead singer and definitetly the best looking member. That's Dan, he's our bassist, he loves life. Rob plays the rhythm guitar and the young girls hearts. Myles is our resident music head, and the lead guitarist. And behind
the drums is Brad."

Awful. And unfortunately, they are Canadian. It seems like all the popular Canadian bands are total cods-wallop nowadays. What happened to representing our country with quality artists, like Rush, the Barenaked Ladies and Celine Dion?
Lately, the only popular Canadian musical exports have been bands such as Nickelback, Avril Lavigne, Simple Plan and Hedley, the latter two having "benifited from Grieg Nori's "expertise" . Honestly, folks, whatever happened to musical integrity?

 Stereos describe their sound as Hip-hop, doo-wop, and pop. As nauseating as that is to say, just wait until you hear their music. As you might expect from a band who made their debut through reality television, their sound is excessively manufactured. An unrelenting smear of auto-tune is pervasive over the vocals, which take centre stage as the driving force behind the band's hooks. There's basic instrumentation, but it serves as a backing for the horrendous vocals. This is, of course, fairly normal for pop, which is a genre that utilizes vocals as the primary driving force. Traditionally rock music does the opposite.

Now, if Stereos referred to themselves as a straight up pop act I would be perfectly fine in ignoring the whole shabangle and letting you whippersnappers listen to your own version of LFO. The most mind boggling aspect of Stereos, however, is their image. The band looks as though they ought to be playing some lady-friendly screamo. They are covered in tattoos and piercings, plus they sport the "edgy" and "trendy" hairstyles to match. Why is it that you tweens have accepted this horribly bizarre contradiction
of style and music? Conventions exist for a reason, and they are something
that I, as an old man, am an advocate for.

During the filming of Disband, the lead singer, Pete, wears sleeveless shirts of The Ramones, Misfits and Iron Maiden. Give me a break - those bands would want nothing to do with these suburban white kids led by a Criss Angel Mindfreak clone.  Not only that, but if he likes these bands enough to wear their shirts, you might expect them to have some sort of an influence on the musical style. Instead, he sounds like the robotic bastard son of T-Payne and Cher. The t-shirts are an obvious marketing tool attempting to giving
these posers some street cred.

Stereos are trying to appeal to every demographic at once. They are singing bright pop songs, which seemingly everyone loves. They are dressed rock n' roll but not the kind that has an odour, and their lyrics lean toward the hip-hop sensibilities. It has no clear direction, but it doesn't matter because it's selling.

It's nasty rancid filth. My advice to you kids is to just skip the gullible period where you just think that any popular artist is good. Think about what you are putting into your brain. Stereos, and bands like them, are garbage.
You only have so much time in your lives to experience good music, trust
me. Listen to something else. Anything else is better.

//Marco Ferriera

Writer

ANATOMY OF A TEEN HEART THROB Ripped abs more important than acting chops

 

With a crooked smile, they can reduce a legion of girls into a mass of screaming,  blubbering hysteria. You know the kind of mass I’m talking about: dozens of girls crying their eyes out, make-up running down their faces as they see the aforementioned crooked smiler walk past.

But why all the fuss for someone with a sexy smile? Well, welcome to the world of the teenage heart-throb.

They’ve been around for decades, morphing slightly to suit what’s in vogue at the time. Back in the 50’s, when rock n’ roll was starting to become mainstream, we had Elvis Presley, seducing girls with his rebellious dances moves and his melodic voice. In the 80’s, with the rise of TV sit-coms and cliché movies, we were bombarded with the likes of John Stamos, the Coreys, Johnny Depp and a whole roster of other pretty poster boys. In the 90’s, the era of boy bands, we had the Backstreet boys, N’Sync and New Kids on the Block.

But what made them so popular?

A combination of having a fresh face, pearly whites and a certain non-threatening manner certainly helped, but that wasn’t all. They were a part of what was insanely popular during the time where they still had their ridiculous good looks and long locks of hair. So what causes a teen idol being to be worshipped by millions of screaming banshees in today's culture? Well, luckily, we’ve compiled a list for you.

Being a vampire:

Yes, sadly enough, this in one sure fire way to wangle your way into tween girls' hearts. With the insane popularity of Twilight, girls everywhere are clamouring to get ahold of their very own vampire -- but sadly enough, they are only interested in the sparkly variety. A compromise might be an industrial-sized container of body glitter, but at the price of masculine pride, it might not be the best idea. Girls are going gaga over the cold brooding boy with pale skin, which might be easier to pull off in the long run.

Having those ‘flippy’ bangs:

Just look at Zac Efron and the newest kid on the forefront, Justin Beiber. Something about that slight extension of hair that obscures half their vision makes blushes flood across the faces of girls everywhere. And when they flip it out of their eyes, only to have it fall back into place a moment later, simply irresistible.

Being non-threatening, even when the shirt comes off:

Just google Taylor Lautner and you’re guaranteed to be overcome with images of his eight-pack shining through the fine layer of baby oil. Despite this obvious display of masculinity, the shields come down when one of two things happen: your brain short-circuits, or his disarming smile melts your heart. The key to their success is essentially giving the illusion that they are a nice boy-next-door type, and not a sketchy guy who has an unusual taste in LG's. Just look at every single pin-up picture of a teen sensation, and they’ve got that smile on their face that makes you think “what a nice young gentleman”. Some may disagree and say that ‘bad-boys’ also have incredible sex appeal, but come on, we all know that deep down inside those guys just need more hugs and the approval of daddy.

Have a smokin’ hot body:

No denying this fact -- a hot set of abs and a pair of guns sticking out from a t-shirt will get any girl. In fact, that is what makes most guys this famous these days. Talent is overrated anyways.

Of course the list goes on, but these are the core ideas behind the hormonally charged machine of sex appeal. Teen sensations will always be around. It gives young girls a usually healthy crush on someone unobtainable, until they find a real boy and take down the posters plastering their walls.

//Haley Wickshaw
Writer

UNDERGROUND MUSIC THAT WILL MELT YOUR MIND! If you’re brave enough to leave home

Picture this: a pianist pounding the strings of a piano with mallets, a bassist bouncing his bow in the low end, a clarinetist violently playing without a mouthpiece, a vocalist hyperactively whimpering and croaking in a psychotic flurry. Imagine all these elements, and then imagine them all at once, playing together in a flawless improvisation. They call themselves Ion Zoo, and there were only six people in the audience.

Who are these musicians, and what are they trying to do? According to Jared Burrows, the host of the Jazz Presentation House Studio, people aren’t spending enough time getting to know their music, or coming out to events. Basically, the listeners aren’t as devoted as the musicians, and it certainly shows. The ratio of venues to musicians in Vancouver is stifling.

So where have all the people gone, and why aren’t they out enjoying such engaging concerts? “It’s just indicative of the times,” explains Darren Radtke, host of the Heritage Grill jam sessions, “I don’t think people go out to hear live music [anymore].”

So is it only musicians who listen to other musicians? The majority of the people at the Heritage Grill had instrument cases with them, evidently waiting for their turn to play. It seems as though if these jazz nights had any original goal, it’s getting a little lost in the struggle to find a broader audience. “In general, it hasn’t really taken off,” says Radtke. 

Lacking the demand for live music naturally results in decreased business and an elevated ratio of musicians to venues. So how demanding is it to survive solely as a musician? “A lot of us are making a living as jazz musicians, but you have to do everything right,” explains Radtke. “Most of us are teaching… there’s just not the need or appreciation for [live] music [as there used to be].”

So what is the motivation behind all the hard work it takes to become a musician, and is their any viability in the struggle to play full time? Cole Schmidt, Capilano jazz program alumni, explains, “It’s not about the money. Security is in playing the music”. Schmidt argues that in the long run, music is the most valuable life investment, regardless of financial viability.

With that outlook in mind, groups such as Ion Zoo are creating something vitally important with their abstract musical expression. Listening to their instinct-based improvisation style is especially refreshing compared to the more accessible music we tend to hear on a daily basis.

Carol Sawyer, the vocalist of Ion Zoo, explains their “right-brained” approach to music. “It’s entirely unexplored… we’re free improvising… we just open our ears”.  

So open your ears, be social, and come out to support the local music scene. If you don’t instantly become a jazz fan, you’ll at least be in complete awe. Jazz Presentation House hosts events every Wednesday at 8:30pm,  and the Heritage Grill has a jazz night every Thursday. If you still aren’t convinced, look to the invaluable words of S Club 7: “There ain’t no party like a [jazz] party!”

//Harrison Prat

Writer

ICE AGED Club Penguin has Disney waddling in the right direction

 

Over the past decade, the Walt Disney Corporation has extended its hand well beyond the world of animated movies; in an attempt to grab the attention (and pocket money) of tweens, forays have been made into music, sports franchises, and now cyberspace. Step aside, Jo-Bros, Disney has a new star, waddling soon to a chat-room near you. Club Penguin, a popular online destination, provides a world where kids, armed with screen name and penguin avatar can explore, solve problems, play games and “interact”. Beyond the safe, fun-filled environment, Disney has also made efforts to foster responsibility, and social activism on Club Penguin. The appeal to parents is obvious (would you rather have your child learning to be creative or shooting zombies?), but why does Club penguin appeal to the kids it serves?

To Peter May, my thirteen-year-old brother, the appeal is also the creative aspect of the games. “You have to be creative and look for things to combine to beat the mission... this is different because you don’t just win the race or beat the boss, you have to figure it out yourself.”

These “missions” are special games only open to penguin “agents”, experienced players who are recruited to monitor the words and actions of other players. An agent’s duty is threefold: to report any players being mean or breaking rules, to keep the identities of agent penguins secret, and to keep Club Penguin fun and safe. This secret agent type of online monitoring is effective for Club Penguin, but for players it “gives a chance to be part of a group that is secret and fun”, according to Peter.

Club Penguin is very focused on providing its players with the “exclusive” experience – it is a “club” after all. Beyond the opportunity to become a secret agent, players with enough experience can become ninjas! With each new achievement, or role taken on, rewards are earned. “It is fun to be working towards something, like getting a black belt, or saving up enough coins to buy something” says Peter. Club Penguin has really hit the nail on the head with exclusivity – kids love it.

There is no advertising, and the basic site is open to all, so memberships and memorabilia bring home the bacon for Club Penguin. Club Penguin plays off the exclusivity factor for profit, making certain items or activities available only to members (it is $57.97 for a 12 month membership, just in case you were interested). Because of this desire for the V.I.P. Treatment, tweens flock to membership, but ultimately it is parents who have to approve the online subscription.

In spite of all of Club Penguin's qualities, there are some aspects that raise concern. First and foremost, the “club” mentality is not something today’s society is in favour of fostering. Today’s child is taught to accept others, treat everyone equally, and share. This is not re-enforced by an online community with activities only open to those who have won enough games of tic-tac-toe, or who unceasingly pester their parents until they finally give in and pay for membership.

Secondly, an online community means today’s child is spending more time in front of a screen, and less time with their real friends. It is no coincidence that the rise of childhood obesity corresponds with the prevalence of video games. More time spent in front of the computer means more time spent sedentary. On a social level, the added layer between face to face contact does not help kids with communication. In a world where feelings are expressed through emoticons, any extra disconnect between people further continues humanity down the path to poor communication.

Disney has hit pay dirt with Club Penguin. Despite the possible physical and social consequences, Club Penguin is a step in the right direction for an online community geared towards kids. It provides a fun environment for kids to interact, while providing parents the peace of mind that their kids are being creative, rather than destructive, in their gaming. Through the “secret agent” style of monitoring online behavior, parents are assured of their child’s online safety, while at the same time, kids feel included in something exclusive and fun. Fortunately, Disney is using the power they have gained over tweens, through Club Penguin, responsibly. Through coins for change, a Club Penguin initiative to build social awareness, $1 million was donated to various organizations benefiting children around the world. Club Penguin is not perfect, but it does provide a good alternative to the unsafe chat-rooms and violent, un-educational gaming today's children face in cyberspace.

//Colin May

Writer

BUYER BEWARE Your degree might be faulty

 

In 2008, Capilano’s designation changed from college to university. Most of the transition seems to be focused on bureaucratic requirements, such as a new senate, formalized alumni associations, and the design of a crest. Student expectations have soared, however, and the provincial government has given us further recognition to develop and grant bachelors degrees. What didn’t change—sit down, this is shocking—is that Capilano, even as a university, is still facing issues of accreditations, which means that the degree you obtain here may not count at other universities across the country.

With being a university, “the biggest change from the student perspective is that we’re going to be offering more degrees,” says Cap Vice President Jackie Snodgrass. These degrees will include BAs in General Studies, Communications and Legal Studies, and we’ve already seen the development of the BA in Applied Psychology.

The AUCC

The transfer problem does not come from Cap’s quality of education – it comes from Cap’s lack of membership to the Association of Universities and Colleges of Canada (AUCC). According to their website, they are “the voice of Canada’s universities.” This voice is also a lobby group that is neither federally nor provincially grounded. Currently, Capilano is unable to join this association because we lack some of the criteria for membership, such as having a percentage of students in four-year degree programs, and, much more importantly, professors aren’t required to produce peer-reviewed research.

Unfortunately, the AUCC is used by numerous Canadian universities as the de facto way of determining accreditation of full degrees. This means that when you apply to the University of Toronto for your MBA, for example, they won’t even look at your application because Cap does not belong to the AUCC. Thus, you lack the pre-requisite of a degree.

It isn’t only U of T either. When I phoned McGill, they said Capilano was not in their books for accredited degrees to move onto post-graduate studies (specifically the MBA program). According to Macleans, you’ll also be rejected by Lakehead University, the University of Ottawa, The University of West Ontario and Nipissing University.

As Snodgrass says, “It seems ludicrous to me that there is an association [the AUCC], supposedly representing degree granting institution in Canada, and a provincially designated degree granting institution [Cap U] doesn't qualify for membership.” Perhaps the AUCC is just an old boys club that has attained a surprising amount of clout in academia.

Research Required

As previously mentioned, one of the criteria that prevents Capilano from joining the AUCC is a lack of research. “It’s opposition to our mandate to require faculty to do research,” says Snodgrass. That mandate is to maintain small classrooms and to foster faculty and student interaction. Further, Cap has not received any additional funding for doing research from the provincial government despite the change in designation.

At first this might seem ludicrous, as too much emphasis on research can obviously lead to a decrease in the quality of teaching. As Greg Martin, Professor of Mathematics at UBC, says, “part of the reason it’s difficult [to achieve balance] is they’re such different enterprises.” As a professor at UBC, Martin is expected to spend roughly the same amount of time on research as teaching. Consequently, he’s required to produce two articles a year, roughly. Martin said if he were to stop doing research it wouldn’t necessarily affect his abilities to teach lower division (first and second year) courses, but, “it would start to eventually affect the number of upper level courses I could teach.”  However, research isn’t all good when it comes to the class room. “[Professors] have these competing desires and competing exceptions from different parts of the job,” said Martin.

This whole issue stems from the lack of a national accreditation body, Snodgrass pointed out. This leaves the educational institutions Canada at the mercy of associations like the AUCC, who don’t even claim to be an accreditation body, yet in lieu it acts as such for many post-secondary institutions.

Perhaps as a counterweight to the AUCC omission, Capilano is in the process of joining an American, independent, non-profit organization, the Northwest Commission on Colleges and Universities (NWCCU). If all goes well, we’ll be in with the NWCCU by 2011 at the latest, expanding and streamlining the possibilities for Capilano transfers to the US. It does nothing, however, for accreditation in Canada.

Transfer Credit/Admissions

Before you panic about undergraduate transfers, don’t. There’s still good news for most of us, sitting somewhere in the University Transfer or perhaps Diploma program, accumulating credits. Pre-degree students currently have a much better deal than the grad students.

When transferring to U of T or McGill, Capilano courses are regarded as highly as credits from UBC or SFU. Here’s how it works: First, you are evaluated exclusively on your GPA, not your school. Now when a university (McGill for example) receives an application it is prioritized – first high school students, then transfers from Quebec universities, and finally out of province transfers. This means that if there are only four spots left in a program and you apply with a GPA of 3.8,  you could be out of luck.

For those that get in, the transfer credits will be evaluated on a course-by-course basis, and only after you’ve been accepted. How can you find out which courses will count before you get in though? It’s simple, you can’t.

Maybe Capilano is like the second-year biology student who plans to become an M.D., already insisting that people call her doctor. As I see it, education is valued on its currency of origin, which is ever shifting depending on the deals that are made in the brotherhood of academia. Until something changes, Capilano University is teaching one of life’s most profound lessons: “Caveat emptor,” – buyer beware.

//Léo Newman

Writer

CAMPUS FASHION

This motherfucking hoodie is adorned with
gleaming silver panthers. It’s so great. Suck
it, opinions editor, go put on another cardi-
gan. [I don’t even own a cardigan. -Jordan]




 They sell popcorn at the CSU. That’s why
it smells like poison cheese in there all the
time. This guy rocks, though. I like him.
Cool dude. Wanna hang out?



Holy shit, this guy said his name was
Edward Cullen. That's the guy from Buffy
the vampire Slayer, I’m pretty sure. He
is rocking the alt-look. He probably likes
Broken Social Scene.




Farmer chic, this look is in. Style tip: jean
holes are important. look as though you
just bent down to pick up a bail of hay.






Model through it. looks like he’s in Creed.





This guy looks like he’s selling glow sticks on
the side to support his learning habit. I love
the sensible winter jacket. Dressed for the
weather. A real man.







The sex pirates just moored their ship at
Boner Wharf.







“Subdued Steam punk.”




The Sweet Valley High Quadruplets.


Sarah Vitet and Marco Ferreira
// Filth Mongers

HOT QUIZ One Night Stand or Vanilla Sex Life?

1. Where did you meet?

a. The Internet

b. The bar/club

c. The library/the water cooler by your cubicle at work

d. The sandbox

2. The line they used to get you into bed:

a. “Wanna fuck?”

b. “Oh my god... I love that sweater.”

c. “I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you, but could never tell you because our friendship means so much to me.”

d. “Yer just soooo hot! Lemme buy you a drink. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

3.What was the reaction the next morning:

a.Cuddling and French toast.

b. What next morning? They grabbed their clothes and snuck out the window directly after the deed.

c. “Damn... I should have waited for the ugly lights to come on.”

d. More sex... followed by an awkward hug.

4. What positions?

a. Missionary. He cried a little.

b. Doggy style with your face in the pillow. He called you Stan.

c. Against the wall in the bathroom.

d. He was too drunk to get it up.

e. Any and every position you could think of. Multiple times.

5. How often do you have sex with this person?

a. Only once

b. Once a week

c. Every night

d. Multiple time a day

How To Score: (Well you obviously have, but I’m talking about the quiz here...) You get points for every answer. Tally them up and check your results:

1. a(3) b(2) c(1) d(0)

2. a( 3) b(2) c(0) d(1)

3. a(0) b(3) c(2) d(1)

4. a(0) b(2) c(3) d(3) e(2)

5. a(3) b(2) c(1) d(0)

0-3-points: You know that couple that has sex? Sometimes? And sometimes it’s good? Other times, when that friend is telling you about it, you either want to gag or fall asleep. Congratulations! You have become that couple. Your slightly bland sex life could use some spice. Hell, even vanilla cookies have cinnamon sometimes.

4-7 points: If this is a one night stand, you’re fucked. Literally. You either just slept with your best friend or some poor fool who has been in love with you “since the first time they saw you”, or both. And this means you’re either going to have to break their heart, or keep sleeping with them. Enjoy!

8-11 points: Awkward... You know that kid that you have eye fucked all semester? Well you have now fucked. And you have the rest of the term to either keep it up (har har) or sit on opposite sides of the classroom. If this isn’t the case, you still know it’s gonna be awkward.

12-15 points: This is the ultimate one night stand. You either met this person on the Internet or in a bar. You probably fucked multiple times in multiple positions, or just once in one position while you were called Stan, regardless of your gender. Was it the best night of your life? Probably not. Was it the worst? Definitely not. Now go get ‘em, Stan.

What Type Do You Fall For?

1. What’s your anthem of love?

a. Sorry, but the bible says masturbating is an abomination.

b. “Fuck Police Brutality” by Anti-Flag

c. “The Elements Song” by Tom Lehrer

d. “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift

e. The sweet sounds of animals having sex.

2. What would your perfect date be?

a. First they would show up early to meet the parentals, than you would go to a lovely supper before the drive-in. Of course, there would be no getting fresh.

b. A concert, a steamy hook up session, followed by a cigarette.

c. Studying for the midterm that is happening in three months, for the class you are only thinking of taking.

d. An orgy. Heck yes. Group sex is the best way to get to know someone. Just kidding, your perfect date is probably a house party where you’ll see that cutie you haven’t worked up the nerve to ask out yet.

e. As long as you get fucked you don’t care about the date. Roofie-Colada anyone?

3. What is the most important quality in your partner?

a. Their religious connection with God, or, like, the chastity vow they took when they were twelve.

b. Tits/Ass/Forearms first, smile second.

c. Clearly their intellectual capacities are the most important thing. Breasts or defined pectoral muscles would, however, be an added bonus.

d. Familiarity. You’ve known them for so long, you know every angle and curve.

e. Naked. On The Bed. Now.

4. Who would you sleep with if given the opportunity?

a. Only the person you love.

b. Angelina Jolie. It doesn’t matter if you are a girl or a guy. She is damn fine.

c. Marie Curie or Albert Einstein.

d. Seth Rogen/Elizabeth Banks from “Zack and Marie Make A Porno”

e. Kanye West. It was so sexy when he got up on stage, drunk, and tried to make Taylor Swift cry.

5. Sex: what is the main purpose?

a. Because the bible says you have to have sex to make babies.

b. If it feels good, do it.

c. Sex creates endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.

d. To solidify the bond between two people.

e. Because fucking is the be all and end all. Meaning: You fuck when you can, where you can, whatever you can.

Type A:

The Saint

Think Santa Claus getting drunk and having sex with Ned Flanders. Okay, that’s a little over the top, but you know where I am going with this. If you fall for the saint, you’re generally looking for someone that will help make you a better person. That’s cool. Maybe you’re just an asshole and could use someone to lead you on the right path. Or maybe you are Virgin Mary, and you just need a little more Joseph in you.

Type B:

The Sinner

The sinner is that bad boy/girl who still wears the leather jacket to school. Embodying the punk, this person has a tendency to disregard authority, and will promise you a wild ride. The cool thing about the sinner is they have a tendency to have a soft side once you get to know them. Maybe you want to find their soft spot, or maybe you just want a ride to Cap on their motorcycle. Either way, the sinner is damn fine.

Type C:

The Nerd

Smart as hell. The nerd is the odd ball here, because nerds don’t often have overt sex appeal. It’s brains that get you off. The bigger, the better. Maybe try dressing up as a librarian to get him in the sack. Or ask her to tutor you on a subject that you know she’s passionate about. I know that there are certain types of litmus strips you can lick that let you know what your dominate flavor is, lucky for the nerd, ninety percent of people prefer that salty taste.

Type D:

The Friend

It’s the person you have known for your whole life, or maybe it just feels that way. This person may know you better than you know yourself, and it’s great because you don’t have to worry about them judging your crazy family - they already know. Contrary to every teen movie out there, however, your friend doesn’t always harbour the same feelings towards you. That said, you never know until you ask. Just look for the signs: does your friend touch you while they speak to you? How about eye contact? If they are undressing you with their eyes, it could be an indicator. But remember: Sleeping with your friend will go one of two ways. You’ll end up as that annoying “we” couple that starts to look alike or you’ll wake up the next morning feeling like you slept with your sibling. And that is never a good feeling.

Type E:

A Classic Type-A Personality (A stands for Asshole)

This person isn’t the classic bad boy or hardcore girl. In fact, this person is just an asshole. They are the kid who comes to class late, texts the whole time and is sleeping with the professor to get a passing mark. Don’t expect them to call you when they say they will, or to remember a single important thing about you unless it pertains to the great head you give. You know that you are better off without them, but you just can’t help it. You secretly know that they will probably fuck you harder, better, and faster. And then leave you. Or call you Stan.

//Nicole Mucci

Writer

REAL KIDZ ASK Real celebritiez answer!

Do you have a problem? Are you a REAL KID? Send in your questions to our panel of REAL CELEBRITIES as voted in by you! No problem is too serious. They have the life experience and money, you have all the problems. Let them help you. It's REAL KIDZ ASK, REAL CELEBRITIEZ ANSWER!

Ben asks: I'm having some serious problems making friends at school. I have an extreme anxiety condition and I just can't seem to function normally in a social setting. It's so bad I shake and sweat which only makes me more embarrassed. My parents always ask me why I'm always at home alone and not out with friends. I feel ashamed and socially inadequate. How should I deal with this?

Zac Efron: Have you seen my haircut? If you have hair like mine, everyone will love you. *swoosh* First off, you need a good stylist. I have someone flown in from Versailles just to work on my hair. You then need to consult a follicologist in order to find the exact oil balance essential in maintaining your hair's unique illustrious shine and bounce. Get this sorted out, and probably learn to sing. Keep your chin up!!! :D

Martha asks: I have really bad skin, and I don't have enough money to buy any effective acne products. My parents recently divorced and I ended up moving onto a houseboat with my great grandmother, where the hygienic facilities are sub par, exacerbating my skin condition. She spends our money on her online poker addiction making any hope of medical treatment impossible. My skin gives me low self  esteem and it's making everything horrible. I'm so sad all the time. What should I do?

Miley Cyrus answers: OMG I love boats! My dad BILLY RAY CYRUS has this houseboat in the Bahamas, I like that you call them houseboats. He calls them yachts.

Ella asks: I love my boyfriend, and I think we should take it to the next level. He is somewhat hesitant to lose his virginity, though, because he thinks people are going to call him a slut. How do I make him feel comfortable with the notion of losing his virginity? Or am I being unfair in pressuring him into doing something he doesn't want to do?

Joe Jonas answers: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't du it!!! gross! not unless ur married with the dude. Not unless u wanna get pregnet!!!!!!! I cant belive you want tu du that. The best thing is to order a set of Promise Rings from the jonis brothrs website and put it on ur fingur and never ever ever ever ever ever take it off. Unles you marry the dude.

 

Brad: I'm in my first relationship, and everything has been going really great so far. We are starting to hit a hang up, though, and I need some advice. This week, one of her close friends told her she saw me last week in the Cafeteria hanging out with some other girls and supposedly smiling and flirting with them. I do occasionally spend time with other students in the caf, and generally I enjoy myself. I'm just a social person and that's not something I can change. This distrust is pushing us apart, why can my girlfriend not see her friend is trying to manipulate her emotions? Is this going to create a terrible wedge in our relationship? What do I do?

 

R Kelly answers: Be like, just because your friend say she saw me at a caf with some other bitches sitting in VIP smoking and drinking and kicking it, tell me girl, did she say there were other guys there? Were there other guys there? Well, tell me this: how the fuck she knew I was with them other girls then, when the whole caf packed. I've been with you five years and you listening to your motherfucking girlfriends?! I don't know why you fuck with them all jealous, no man-havin' ass hoes anyway. Real talk.

 

Ashley asks: I have been having some problems at school with rumours. I know you probably get this all the time but it's starting to really effect my social life negatively. It's so extreme that my boyfriend broke up with me out of sheer embarrassment. Me and my friend Janine recently had a bad fight. In retaliation, she spread a rumour about me saying that I had a penis. Normally I would just shrug it off, but people are going as far as to put up pictures from Facebook around the school. In the pictures my jeans are bunched up, giving the illusion of an erection. I'm really at a loss for solutions, and I'm considering changing schools. What should I do?

Lady Gaga answers: Tuck it.

//Marco Ferreira and Sarah Vitet

Big Bad John and Megaman